Monday, February 11, 2008

Oakland Athletics

Barton, Daric - Way back in 2003, instead of choosing to attend Cal State Fullerton and earn a degree, Barton took a million dollar signing bonus and gave up the opportunity to advance his brain after getting drafted by the Cardinals. Make him regret this decision by reciting all of the useful knowledge you learned in school, leaving out that night of "sexual experimentation" you had junior year. Don't hold up signs though, since Barton most likely doesn't know how to read.

Blanton, Joe - Odds are that he'll be moved to a different team before the season starts, but if he hasn't, remind him incessantly of how GM Billy Beane really, really wanted to get rid of him but, for some reason or another, no other teams wanted him. Inquire about how it feels to not be wanted by anyone, even the Pirates.

Brown, Emil - July 30th, 2007: During a locker room interview with Royals shortstop Tony Pena, Jr., reporter Karen Kornacki was accidentally shot in the face with a BB. The trigger on the gun was pulled by none other than the surprisingly sharpshootin' Emil Brown. Go ahead and launch your heckles off that. An extra point will be awarded for every reference to Red Ryder BB guns.

Buck, Travis - Like most of the other young A's, Buck is making only the league minimum salary. Ha! Use a graph to illustrate where his earnings compare to, say, teammates Emil Brown or Mark Ellis. Later on in the game, when you use sedate yourself with alcoholic beverages after realizing how much more Buck earns than you, feel free to add a steady stream of phrases containing the curse word that rhymes with Buck's last name. (Hint: It's "fuck".)

Chavez, Eric - Dusting off your Lou Dobbs Halloween costume, pointing at Chavez, and vowing that you're coming after him may get you thrown out of the park, but it will also land you an interview on Lou Dobbs Tonight for being such a true American.

Crosby, Bobby - A longtime wearer of the "soul patch" facial hair modification, Crosby should be alerted (by you) that an announcement was made earlier that day by the National Homosexual Males Society of America, rightfully claiming the "soul patch" as another official out-in-the-open way of their constintuency revealing themselves, kinda like the ol' earing-in-the-right-ear-lobe trick.

Cust, Jack - Admit that while you feel great that he finally made an impact 6 years after he first graced a major league ballfield, you can't get your mind off of the many millions he would have made if he would have gotten around to not sucking a little sooner. Sure, better late than never, but better early than late.

Denorfia, Chris - According to the Urban Dictionary, one of the definitions of "norf" is an insult derived from combining the words "nerd" and "dwarf". While that should be the ideal heckle, if you're going that route, you'll probably have to insert a referencing hyperlink to your voice, which is impossible. Instead, shouting out "more like DeSUCKfia!" should suffice.

DiNardo, Lenny - In the same vein: "More like Lenny DiTARDo!" Celebrate any combo-heckles with the above-mentioned "DeSUCKfia" with a hearty elevated hand slap to your closest compatriot.

Duchscherer, Justin - Known throughout the league as a "soft-tossing finesse pitcher", let him know what everyone else is too scared to say: really, that phrase is just a euphemism for "throwing like a girl". Also, his last name is pronounced duke-SHUR, which you should never speak correctly.

Ellis, Mark - Last year, on June 4th, Ellis hit for the cycle. It is the most he will ever accomplish in his life. Everything's downhill from here. To make sure he doesn't have to only take your word for it, bring along a psychic, preferably Jamaican, for verification.

Gaudin, Chad - Get his hopes up that you're cheering for him by loudly screaming his last name (pronounced "Go-DAN"), and then dash them by immediately saying "Johnson", making him think you're just a big fan of the A's 1st baseman. Once you get him to wonder if you even notice him out there, since you refuse to even acknowledge his existence, you've won.

Harden, Rich - See entry for Wood, Kerry. (Cubs)

Johnson, Dan - Addressing him as "Crockett" and inquiring about "Tubbs" should be sufficient fun for the fans in your general area, but take it up a notch by using an abacus to measure the playing time he's losing to young phenom Daric Barton.

Street, Huston - Fabricate an eyewitness who has first-hand knowledge that Street's first name isn't the only place that's one "o" short. It's also missing in the bedroom, if you catch my drift! (Your drift will be "giving orgasms to girls".)

Suzuki, Kurt - Admit that you're not even going to heckle Suzuki, since you're not sure if you should swap the names around like Ichiro, or keep them in the right order like the way it happens in your America. If you catch him chuckling at this, attack his heritage by claiming Hawaii's not a real state anyway. Which it isn't.


jenna said...

mark ellis will prove you wrong this season, my friend. mark my works Dickish Poo-Ass! who's kerry wood? and relations to carrie underwood?

Nick Eby said...


El Duke said...

Wow, something tells me Jenna doesn't know what heckling is. It's ok, she is a woman after all.

Oh, and minus points for not mentioning the fact that Cust was named in the Mitchell Report, along with like half of Oakland's AAA team. Which, if this rebuilding is any hint, we'll be seeing a lot of them. Jack Cust didn't stop sucking, his cycle just peaked.

Rick said...

@el duke:
I was thinking about throwing in some Mitchell Reporting about Cust, but felt it best to save the 'roid heckles for other folks down the road, since their number is legion, give or take a hundred.

jenna said...

el duke. if i've been to a baseball game, i know what heckling is. its what boys do when they're sorry ass team is losing and they can't go home and cry to their mommy.

The Lazer said...

Should I also ask if Dan Johnson can still hit the high notes of "I'm looking for a heartbeat"?

Michael said...

Dude- I'm an A's fan, but that was funny. I didn't know the Angels had a sense of humor. Besides the Gary Matthews signing, of course. Well done!