Monday, February 25, 2008

St. Louis Cardinals

Ankiel, Rick - Don't you think he's been through enough already? Just leave him alone. No? Fine, then be a dick, dress up like Freud, and ask him if he's ready to discuss the mental issues that led to his downfall in the 2000 playoffs. When he refuses to respond, run down a list of possible mental trauma, all of which will be sexually in nature.

Carpenter, Chris - Carpenter won't be around much after undergoing Tommy John surgery last year, but if you do get the chance, it's best to make him aware of one of the lesser-known side effects of the surgery. Namely, anal leakage.

Clement, Matt - His career has drastically gone downhill ever since being hit in the head with a line drive in 2005. As such, the right move is reminding him of the inherent danger that comes with standing a mere 60 feet away, and directly in front, of someone hitting a baseball. In fact, there are plenty of occupations that carry less risk, like an Alaskan crab fisherman.

Duncan, Chris - A big chewer of tobacco, reenact one of those annoying whiny commercials, ideally one about tobacco use leading to low birth weights for babies, because nothing's funnier than skinny preemies.

Glaus, Troy - Another player cited in the Mitchell Report, remind him that, no matter how large his muscles get, his wife always love her horse more than him. (She's a professional equestrian!)

Gonzalez, Juan - There's just about no chance he's going to see time on the field this year, since he sucks and all, but if he does, taunt him with his usual nickname of 'Juan Gone', this time with heavy implications that the only item 'gone' is his skill. To get this point across, you might need to use a run-on sentence.

Isringhausen, Jason - Ask a friend loudly if he thinks that whenever Izzy sees the 2006 World Championship ring he owns, whether or not it makes him feel like a fraud, seeing as he didn't help the team at all that year. In fact, you should state that, theoretically, if Izzy was completely healthy, the team might not have won anything at all that year.

Izturis, Cesar - Before finding his way to the Cardinals earlier this year, the Pirates refused to pick up his option coming into this year. The Pirates. The Pittsburgh Pirates. The worst team in baseball and possibly all of sports. They didn't want him. This is a fact that should be brought up often.

Kennedy, Adam - Ignore that he's not directly related to The Kennedys and create a visual timeline of the infamous Kennedy Curse -- which is surprisingly extensive -- leaving ample room at the end of your poster to show the most recent cursed event: Adam Kennedy Being Born.

Looper, Braden - Seeing as it's too rare for a player to have a first-initial, last-name combo that Braden has, dust off your best Marv Albert costume and deliver a running commentary in the Hall of Fame broadcaster's voice, awarding B-Looper every one of this year's Albert Achievement Awards. You can also win fans over by suggesting Looper's back looks mighty tasty, almost good enough to bite repeatedly.

Ludwick, Ryan - Born in the small, population-10,000 island town of Satellite Beach, Florida, odds are good that Ludwick spent much of his childhood having nightmares about drowning. Play on these fears by wearing life preservers, occasionally spraying him with water, and loudly reading passages from Natasha: The Biography of Natalie Wood.

Molina, Yadier - Owner of one of the strongest defensive arms in all of baseball, hint that you have an idea of how he built such a quick throwing arm, and that idea involves a hidden addiction to masturbation.

Mulder, Mark - Holding up a large laminated poster of Mulder, Barry Zito and Tim Hudson during their glory days in Oakland while singing a heartfelt rendition of Barbra Streisand's 'The Way We Were' should work.

PiƱeiro, Joel - While most folks will humorously mock his first name, take a different route and make fun of the tilde in his last name, possibly by comparing it to a sperm, an item you should assume Joe-EL(!) has a low count of.

Pujols, Albert - Last year, Pujols became a U.S. citizen after scoring a perfect 100 on the citizenship test. Congratulate him on this dorky acheivement in a mildy sarcastic tone, making him question the sincerity of your words.

Reyes, Anthony - There's a word for players who refuse to curve the bills of their ballcap. That word is dork. Or nerd. Or geek. Or retard. Or weirdo. Or skank. Or dildo. Or douchebag. Or tool. Or, in Britain, cunt. Or hillbilly. Or Philistine. Or girlie man. Or flaming homo. Or dumbass. Or dumb motherfucker. Or ass. Or asshole. Or, to use one that brings back many horrible memories, palsy. So, apparently there are quite a few words for those kinds of people. Use one of those.

Wainwright, Adam - A practicing Christian, get in his head by alternately reading passages from Darwin's On the Origin of Species and lawsuits brought against Christian evangelical preachers, which are plentiful.

1 comment:

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