Monday, April 28, 2008

Boston Red Sox

Beckett, Josh - A fan of the San Antoinio Spurs, spend the entire game wondering how he can root for such a dirty, dirty, filthy, nasty, dirty team that's full of a bunch of cheaters.

Buchholz, Clay - Give him a homemade-produced DVD of his no-hitter last year, which includes the bonus feature of your director's commentary, where you make it a point to mention as many times as possible that he's never going to be better than he was that night.

Casey, Sean - In a 2007 Sports Illustrated poll, Casey won the award for "friendliest player in baseball", which makes you wonder, why does he feel the need to be friendly to everyone? What is he hiding? More importantly, what does he want? As a safety precaution, keep your children away from him.

Crisp, Coco - Ask Crisp how it feels to be hated by his own parents since, judging by his name, there's no way they liked him at all. In fact, go ahead and assume he was a mistake and ruined their lives.

Delcarmen, Manny - Scream out "Manny!" as loud as you can, and when Delcarmen looks at you, let him know that you weren't talking to him but rather to the much cooler, much richer Manny Ramirez, which shouldn't be much of a surprise to Delcarmen, seeing as no one ever wants to talk to him.

Drew, J.D. - Dress up in a Tony LaRussa costume (sunglasses, Cardinals hat, long hair wig, lots of alcohol) and continually question Drew's passion. When he tries to retort and says that he, in fact, does have passion, ask him to prove it. Conclude the heckle by bending over with your posterior facing Drew.

Ellsbury, Jacoby - Let him know that, if he wants to be taken seriously and not just as a tiny cute player with some spunk, perhaps it's best to lose that "y" at the end of his first name. It's just too darn cute.

Lester, Jon - Congratulate him on making a seemingly full recovery from cancerous lymphoma. Afterwards, stress that you said "seemingly" because those kinds of things have tendency to never fully go away. They can kind of creep back at any moment.

Lowell, Mike - In 1999, he was diagnosed with and treated for testicular cancer. While it's unclear if he had to lose any testicles as a result of the treatment, go ahead and assume so and begin hurling many oh-so-clever insults towards him.

Lugo, Julio - Wearing a white sleeveless T-shirt and explaining to others that, in some circles, it's known as a "WIFEBEATER!!!!" should get the trick done.

Matsuzaka, Daisuke - Get under his skin by phonetically speaking his first name, putting an emphasis on the latter portion of it.

Okajima, Hideki - Okajima has a strange pitching delivery, where he actually looks towards the ground when he lets go of the ball. Ask him how he's so sure that his pitch will not hit the batter in the head? Does he trust his pitching mechanics that much? Seems like quite the gamble to you.

Ortiz, David - Since marrying his wife, who is a native of Wisconsin, Ortiz has been a fan of the Green Bay Packers. Spend the entire game explaining why exactly Brett Favre was overrated. Make sure to use the past tense in order to really hammer home the reality that Favre has retired. Hopefully.

Papelbon, Jonathan - Seeing that Papelbon got some national fame for his silly dances during last year's postseason to a Dropkick Murphys song, now is a good time to use your heckling platform as a way of promoting your view that The Departed is a horrible, horrible movie. When people disagree with you, simply let them know that their opinion is wrong, which it is.

Pedroia, Dustin - The 2007 AL Rookie of the Year, go down the list of other ROYs from the past decade, names like Eric Hinske, Angel Berroa, Kaz Sasaki, and Ben Grieve. Midway through the list, wonder if the AL ROY is baseball's version of the "Grammy's Best New Artist" award, seeing as most of the winners end up being horrible.

Ramirez, Manny - Known for his lackadaisical approach to baseball (the so-called "Manny being Manny" rule) blow his mind by making him aware that, one day, everyone he knows is going to die. That cold hard fact should serious him up some.

Schilling, Curt - Ask him if he regrets campaigning for President Bush during the 2004 election, seeing at how the second term of his presidency has gone. When he denies regretting it, as folks in that position tend to do, ask him if he has yet been tested for autism.

Tavárez, Julián - A fiery personality who's been on 8 teams throughout his 14-year career, a journeyman resume such as that can only mean one thing: no one really likes him. Sure, they can tolerate him for a while, but when all's said and done, his annoying personality just isn't worth it. Relay this to him -- if possible, do it in Spanish to make it more personal -- and wait for the tears to stroll down his heartbroken cheek.

Varitek, Jason - In 1984, Varitek was in the Little League World Series, playing a variety of positions for the team who ended up losing in the championship to the South Korean squad. In the series, Varitek went 0-for-7 with a couple of walks. Thank him for letting down our country. Jerk.

Wakefield, Tim - Ask him how it feels to be the last of a dying breed of knuckleballers. When he begins to answer sincerely sucker-punch him with a question about how it felt to be left off the postseason roster for last year's World Champs.

Youkilis, Kevin - Given the nickname "The Greek God of Walks" in the bestselling book Moneyball, call him a heretic and offer a Bible to consult if he wants to repent from his pagan ways. If he refuses, throw Jesus Fish at him.

21 comments:

CWhite said...

Cancer jokes? Very classy, dirtbag.

Rick said...

Oooh. Tough crowd.

On a more serious note, I'm sorry if anyone visiting this blog ever got the impression it was classy in the least.

Doug the Punter said...

That's all good stuff. not sure if it matters to the point of the joke or not but Youk is Jewish

Rick said...

Are you suggesting throwing pennies instead of Jesus Fish?

Chris said...

For someone who purports to be a resource for heckling, you violate Rule 1 of the heckler's code: Be clever. You don't have to necessarily be funny, but at least be clever. These were neither. I came here looking to get a good laugh because like many of you I hate so many Sox fans (even though I am one myself). But these weren't funny or ironic or sarcastic or witty or even dry. Ironically (and funnily as a result), you exhibited the same type of unoriginal, mundane, moronic ineptitude at the very thing you claim to be most proficient at - not unlike most 'neo' Red Sox fans themselves whose uncontrollable idiocy and general lack of wit are likely the very root of why so many people now dislike what should really be considered a very likable team (handful of impactful, grind-it-out rookies, team-forst leader in Varitek, happy-go-lucky sluggers, and hell even a couple cancer survivors....beyond the insufferable Right Wing Radical Schilling, what's not to like?) What a waste.

rap said...

Excellent work, Rick.

Expect linkage during the next Yanks-socks series from http://johnsterlinging.blogspot.com.

Chris said...

Except for the Varitek one. That one's both funny and clever. And you can heckle Schilling by calling him Mussolini - a bloated old Fascist.

Rick said...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first official Heckler of the Year nominee.

lieutenant winslow said...

like rape, cancer is ALWAYS funny.

more to the point though, you could just tell john lester that he even sucks in the video game

YankeeDude572 said...

Why in the heck would you make fun of someone's cancer? That is horrible and completely unethical.

Oh, and this is coming from a Yankee fan.

jenna said...

in my opinion, the best kind of jerk is the classless kind. the funniest part of this whole post is the red sock puppet. fuck boston. but atleast the red sox aren't giant sellouts like the flaming yankees. see: johnny damon.

jtorrey13 said...

Great stuff. Can't wait for the Red Sox to come to town to use the taunts and a special bald "chemo" wig.

Rich said...

These heckles are about as funny as cancer. Don't quit your day job shithead.

Rick said...

Whew. Good thing I have a rule about only reading the first 7 words of a comment before I decide to continue or not. I'm guessing it was a smart decision on my end for this last one.

reberbeber said...

Funny stuff. Next time just use ass cancer though. Ass cancer is definitely the funniest of the cancers. For the people that can't joke about cancer, get ass cancer.

Big Al said...

I've sat next to old ladies at Fenway Park who were funnier and better informed than this asshole.

Raj C. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raj C. said...

big al-Judging by your moniker you're a fat, unhappy in-bred who only wishes he had cancer. That way you'd be dead and unable to reference your only friend/Mother in an obscure (no offense rich) blog devoted to ( gasp) heckling baseball teams.

Adam said...

Chris, I don't understand what there is to like about the Red Sox. They're just the Yankees Junior; there's no grinding-rookie-stealing-bases-nl-is-better-than-the-al feel to them. They're overpaid fuckbags.

???

Big Al said...

First, Manny Ramirez is the funniest guy in pro sports. How many baseball players have high fived a fan in the middle of a double play, ever?

Second, who else has got the stones to yell at a bunch of reporters interviewing Arod, "Hey, no more questions about Madonna!" David Ortiz is that cool.

Finally, if you want to see some baseball hustle, look no furthur than Ellsbury, Pedroia or Crisp. Those guys are just fun to watch and if it makes you feel better, none of them are making dirt.

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