San Francisco Giants

Aurilia, Rich - Known for his active role in the Make-A-Wish Foundation, let him know that if you were dying of a terminal disease, your first wish would be to no longer be dying of the disease. But your second wish would be that Aurilia finally retires.

Cain, Matt - Despite having an above-average ERA of 3.65 last year, Cain was credited with a 7-16 record after a horrendous streak of bad luck. Tell Matt that, while you understand wins and losses are a statistic based generally on luck, it's still weird that his teammates hate him so much.

Correia, Kevin - A graduate of Grossmont High School, another famous alumnus of the school is David Leisure, best known for his role as Joe Isuzu, the fictional pathological liar who starred in the popular Isuzu commercials during the 80s. As such, dress up like a used car salesman and make outrageous false claims about Correia's playing abilities. Something like "You are good enough to be in the major leagues" is a nice way to start.

Durham, Ray - A big fan of his own nickname "Ray-Ray", conclude that since he enjoys it so much, he won't mind if you make a small adjustment to it, namely changing the Rs to Gs.

Frandsen, Kevin - As of this writing, Frandsen has not updated his MLB Blog, "Frannie on the Farm", since October 15th, 2006. Inquire if Frandsen thinks that just because he's now in the majors he could get away with leaving an orphaned blog on the Internet. Also, ask if his feces have any odor associated with them, 'cause you heard he thought otherwise.

Hennessey, Brad - Back in 2002, Hennessey had a cancerous tumor removed from his back, meaning you should come to the game dressed as the tumor, yelling "you can't get rid of me", "I'm a part of you", and "don't turn your back to me ... unless you're offering it as another invitation?"

Kline, Steve - Mostly relegated to mop-up duty at this point in his career, you'll see plenty of Kline this season since the team will be involved in plenty of lopsided games, and not the good kind. When he's out there, spend ample opportunity acting like Yorvit Torrealba and make fun of his 84 MPH fastball.

Lewis, Fred - Ask how his cousin, Matt Lawton, is doing now that he doesn't have a team to play for. And then ask if Lawton has come asking for money from Lewis yet, money he'll probably use for steroids.

Lincecum, Tim - Nicknamed "The Franchise", write and deliver an eloquent essay on the subject of how retail chains and Big Businesses in general are killing the heart of America by closing down all the mom-and-pop shops. Pay special attention to the mom-and-pop video stores, the only ones with the balls to carry porn.

Lowry, Noah - Before spring training, it was a foregone conclusion that Lowry, once he proved he was healthy, would be starting the year on the South Side of Chicago after being dealt for Joe Crede. The only problem was that Lowry didn't recover, and in fact now needs surgery on his forearm. And while it's nice that Lowry is still in San Francisco, it's a good idea to let him know Crede's up-to-date stats, if only to act as a reminder that the Giants clearly love him more.

Molina, Bengie - When the rumormongerers say Molina is one of the slowest baserunners in all of baseball, what they really mean to say is that he's a slow adults.

Roberts, Dave - Best known for stealing that base during the Red Sox amazing comeback against the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, blame Roberts for being the leading cause of the general obnoxiousness of Red Sox Nation. This should get the rest of the fans on your side and then they'll do whatever you say. Use your power wisely.

Rowand, Aaron - An avid Bears fan, bring a list of all 21 quarterbacks that the Monsters of the Midway have gone through while the Packers have relied on the consistent hand of Brett Favre. His eyes should tear up by the time you reach Moses Moreno.

Sanchez, Jonathan - One of the top prospects in all of baseball, Sanchez has an amazing pitching repertoire that has, in some cases, been described of as "dirty". Create a nickname by taking this word and combining it with his last name.

Vizquel, Omar - While it seems the well-publicized feud with ex-teammate Jose Mesa has cooled down a bit, you should spend the afternoon invoking Mesa's name every chance you get, specifically when referencing how much of a better dancer he is.

Wilson, Brian - Named after the legendary Beach Boy, give him an aural biography of his namesake, taking extreme pleasure in telling tales from that whole "going crazy" period.

Winn, Randy - A college roommate of Steve Nash, you might want to point out that he's having a much, much, much, much better career than Winn.

Zito, Barry - As a way to support soldiers wounded in military operations, Zito created the charity Strikeouts for Troops, to which he donates $400 for every strikeout he throws. Seeing as his strikeout totals have decreased over the past 3 years, inquire why Zito has started hating the troops.