Monday, April 7, 2008

Philadelphia Phillies

Burrell, Pat - Tell him that, usually, Philadelphia fans boo their sports stars out of harmless ribbing, not really with malacious intent. Except when it comes to Burrell. They really hate him.

Eaton, Adam - Back in 2001, he accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach while using a knife to open the plastic wrap off a new DVD. Let him know that, while it would have been tragic if he died from the injury, it would have also been hilarious. And, looking back on it, probably better for the teams that signed him over the years.

Feliz, Pedro - A new Phillie after spending his entire career with the Giants, Feliz reportedly broke off negotiations with San Francisco, despite receiving a better offer from them, after he was disheartened with their treatment of his during the proceedings. After he gets booed by the Phillies fans, which will be often, ask him if he still thinks it was a good idea.

Gordon, Tom - Nicknamed "Flash", assume he received the nickname from a girlfriend for a not-so-great reason.

Hamels, Cole - Assure Hamels that, yes, you have seen his wife naked in Playboy. Also assure him that, eh, you've seen better. Try to have your shirt full of spilled condiments and mouth full of hot dog while delivering the judgement.

Howard, Ryan - One of the game's greatest sluggers, let him know that he would have put up historical statistics if he wasn't already on the downslope of his career at a surprisingly advanced age. To give him some perspective, use a graph to illustrate that Albert Pujols (a few months younger than Howard) has twice as many home runs already. Comfort Howard by letting him know there is hope yet for him to get in the Hall of Fame. If reincarnation actually exists.

Jenkins, Geoff - Inquire whether or not he thinks that the Brewers finally becoming a successful ballclub coinciding with Jenkins no longer being with the team is a coincidence or not. When he explains how instrumental he was during last year's 2nd place finish, laugh as loudly as possible.

Kendrick, Kyle - Spend the game telling Kendrick you wish the Phillies would have actually traded him to Japan for Kobayashi Iwamura, a fictional player teammate Brett Myers told Kendrick he'd been traded for as part of a preseason prank. Let Kendrick know that, even though Kobayashi isn't real, he'll still probably end up with more wins.

Lidge, Brad - Chanting "Pujols" whenever Lidge is within shouting distance will work well enough. No need to waste your wit on him.

Moyer, Jamie - Known for his methodical approach to pitching, the reason his career has lasted as long as it has is because he keeps video recordings of every batter he's ever faced. Inquire if he also uses the tapes to jerk off to.

Myers, Brett - Dressing up your wife, girlfriend or female relative in a shirt reading "I Learned My Lesson, Brett" while using makeup to create two black eyes should do the trick.

Rollins, Jimmy - Your National League MVP last year, go into a rant about how the voting process is flawed and how many undeserving parties have come away with the award. Then, list all the players who won awards when they really shouldn't have. The list should consist entirely of variations on Rollins' name.

Romero, J.C. - Going to turn 32 in a few months, let him know about another J.C. whose career derailed once he reached his early 30s: Mr. Christ.

Ruiz, Carlos - During the 2006 World Baseball Classic he played for the Panama team, making him a traitor to America and freedom in general. Tell him not to tread on you.

Taguchi, So - According to Wikipeda, Taguchi learned how to speak English by watching films like Finding Nemo. Remind him of the scene where Nemo's mom dies and laughs when he starts crying.

Utley, Chase - An avid environmentalist, tell him to hurry the game up, since you think you left all your lights on at home.

Victorino, Shane - From Hawaii, spend the night performing your one-man rendition of the up-to-date plot of Lost. The performance will not only leave Victorino shaken by the confusing nature of the show, but also feel a sense of nostaglia since the series takes place in his homeland. If you time it just right, he'll shed a tear for his lost youth just as a fly ball is hit in his direction.


Rickey Henderson said...

For Tom Gordon trotting out of the bullpen, something along the lines of "well there goes another lead" would work well.

jeff said...

that was a complete waste of time. i kept holding on hoping that there was going to be somethng funny said, but no. the entire list blows

jenna said...

oh the life of a comedian is SO not for me. you get subjected to more criticism than the freakin president.

Rick said...

Who said I'm a comedian? My job, as I see it, is to write stuff that douchebags waste a whole lot of time reading. It helps society because, if they weren't busy wasting away, they'd be off annoying someone else. I'm not sure of the title yet. Maybe "Douchebag Time-Waster"?

Jayson Stark is Overrated said...

Asking Pat Burrell "Do you mind if i take care of business" works. Remind him that he's never made an all-star team and telling him hes a 50 million dollar waste.