Thursday, March 27, 2008

Washington Nationals

Belliard, Ronnie - After the 2006 World Series, a woman tried to extort $150,000 from Belliard after accusing him of impregnating her. What the woman didn't count on however, and it's something you should mention, is that Belliard can't impregnate women. Because he's a eunuch.

Bergmann, Jason - With just a few long nights of investigative Internet journalism -- filling in the blanks with your own blatant lies -- you can easily trace Bergmann's lineage all the way back to Frank Hitler, Adolf's dad. This seems like just the right note of controversy to use against him.

Chico, Matt - Suggest that it might be best to just make it official and add a short vertical line on the right side of the last letter of his name.

Cordero, Chad - Known for his completely flat bill-cap, make Cordero aware that it always makes him look like the goofiest dork on the field, even if they happen to be playing against Jesse Litsch's Blue Jays. Demand his lunch money.

Dukes, Elijah - You shouldn't need any advice here: Start with the multiple arrests, and close with his tales of violence against women.

Estrada, Johnny - Pretend to be his biggest fan by fitting yourself into tight jeans, growing a thick head of hair, visiting the tanning machine, and telling Estrada you have your standard issue California Highway Patrol motorcycle parked outside.

Guzmán, Cristian - Really, for an 8-year veteran it's shocking how no one really cares about Guzmán at all, about anything. He's barely noticed out there on the field by the normal fans and participants in fantasy leagues even ignore him. You should follow suit.

Harris, Willie - During his time with the White Sox, Harris was given the nickname "Peapod" by famed announcer Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson, although no one is sure why he settled on that name. Hazard a guess that perhaps it's because Harrelson walked into the locker room at an inopportune time one evening, happening upon a nude Harris and his oddly shaped testicles.

Hill, Shawn - Born on the exact same day as Jessica Alba, be honest and let Hill know that there is no chance she would ever have sex with him. Maybe if she loses a lot of her looks because of her current pregnancy. But even then, probably not.

Johnson, Nick - He missed the entire 2007 season after sustaining a broken femur during a collision with right fielder Austin Kearns. Kearns, meanwhile, came back from the collision after only missing a brief period of time and ended hitting for career highs in 2007. As such, spend a whole lot of time comparing the two players, making special note of how Johnson is a much bigger pussy.

Kearns, Austin - Spread the rumor that the real reason fans have nicknamed him "Austin Powers" is because, after a very promising start, he's gotten increasingly worse with each go-round, no matter how many midget jokes he makes.

Lo Duca, Paul - In 2006, Lo Duca's wife, a former Playboy model, filed for divorce. Suggest that really he shouldn't have been surprised by the divorce, it's just an example of the universe performing one of its "corrections".

Lopez, Felipe - Currently the bearer of the number 2 on his jersey, suggest it's because he plays like the bodily function of the same name.

Milledge, Lastings - He was reportedly given his unique first name because his mom knew he would be her last child. She knew this because, from there on out, there were nothing but abortions. Which were plentiful. (The heavy implication here is that even after Lastings' birth, she still had a whole lot of intercourse.)

Peña, Wily Mo - Last year, Wily Mo got all philanthropic by helping out educate Latinos about the dangers of type-2 diabetes. Interrogate him about why exactly he loves type-1 diabetes so much. Doesn't he think that's bad too?

Pérez, Odalis - Assume that his middle name is Paul, allowing you to explain that his initials are definitely something you are not down with. He knows you.

Rauch, Jon - Dredging up past memories of grammar school bullies calling the 6'11'' pitcher a "Freak!" If you go too far and Rauch starts crying, cheer him up by reminding him of his presumably enormous penis.

Redding, Tim - Redding is the nephew of actress Joyce Randolph, who played Trixie Norton in the hit TV show The Honeymooners. Wonder aloud if the reason Trixie was the least seen character on the show was because she was too busy icing her face from the heavy beatings Ed would give, which were doubly horrific after the tips famed wife-beated Ralph gave him.

Young, Dmitri - While a history of troubles have plagued him off-the-field, he seems to have gotten his act together, meaning you should leave those alone. Instead, judging by his current weight, you should suggest that maybe it's time to change his nickname from "Da Meat Hook" to "Da Fruits and Vegetables Hook".

Zimmerman, Ryan - One of the brightest young stars of the game, let Young Zim know that his Q score would be 100 times higher if he played on any other team. It's not good being the face of a franchise when that team's fans are wearing bags over theirs.

1 comment:

glenn said...

Good advice, as usual. However, I'll just stick to my generic (and effective) Nats heckle of "Ha! You were signed by Jim Bowden!"