Anderson, Brian – Tell Anderson that he’s earned his initials of “BA”. However, in this case, they don’t stand for “Bad Ass” but for “Bad At-the-plate”.
Buehrle, Mark – Known for being one of the quickest pitchers in all of baseball, taking less time between pitches than any of his counterparts, let him know that speed is not always a virtue, such as when you’re having sexual intercourse with his mother. Conclude with a hearty “Booya!”
Cabrera, Orlando – Let him know that, despite the variety of defensive accolades he’s received throughout his career, you know the truth is that he’s merely an average fielder. Support this argument with a variety of dorky statistics.
Contreras, José – Just for the heck of it, inquire as to the current state of his marriage.
Crede, Joe – A direct descendent of the Renaissance painter Lorenzo di Credi, remark that his late relative’s depictions of the baby Jesus are ghastly to look at, seeing as the Child Savior was always drawn so pudgy.
Danks, John – You can try, but whatever heckle you plan on using, you’ll just end up settling for some kind of reference to the quality of the weed you are currently smuggling inside your own anus. Embrace it.
Dotel, Octavio – Imply that he got his name from Octavia, the sister of Roman Emperor Augustus, who most likely had plenty of sex with her, seeing as that’s what the Romans are known for.
Dye, Jermaine – Constantly chanting “fractured fibula” in a monotone voice should be enough, but if it isn’t, bring along a plastic leg from a medical supply store that you can use to point out exactly how the fibula is, and always be, structurally weakened after such a horrific break.
Fields, Josh – Remind him that, usually, young sluggers of his ilk are actually in the major leagues instead of toiling in Triple-A. That’s got to hurt his self-esteem a bit.
Floyd, Gavin – Criticized throughout his career for not “going after” hitters, let him know that he’s right to be fearful of batters, seeing as they are generally much, much more talented that himself.
Hall, Toby – Hall has been known to dye his soul patch different colors to mark a variety of occasions throughout his career. Let him know that this is cute, and that you’re happy he’s keeping himself busy while on the bench, which is often.
Jenks, Bobby – Mock his weight, etc.
Konerko, Paul – Ask him if he regrets choosing the Sox over the Angels yet. When he shakes his head "no", start listing all of the incredible hot actresses currently residing in the greater Los Angeles area.
Linebrink, Scott – One of the better setup men in baseball, remark that you got something he can hold, with the heavy implication that you’re speaking about your genitals.
Owens, Jerry – In line for the job in center field before he got hurt, and then Carlos Quentin’s bat took over in left field, remind him of how close he was to being a star by holding your thumb and forefinger mere centimeters apart. Comfort him by suggesting to look on the bright side: He doesn’t have to feel obligated to hold onto himself in fantasy leagues anymore.
Ozuna, Pablo – Don’t worry too much about him, seeing as he’s a role player who comes off the bench once a week or so, but if he does end up in the lineup when you’re at the game, just add “Bl-” to the front of his last name and be done with it.
Pierzynski, A.J. – Calling him a cheater for his drop-third strike incident of the 2005 ALCS is old news – he didn’t cheat, anyway – so instead, make fun of his horrible wrestling promotions for TNA wrestling, something he had to settle for because he wasn’t popular enough for WWE.
Quentin, Carlos – There’s no point in even suggesting a heckle here, because we all know you’ll only get halfway through it before you’re distracted by his dreamy eyes, bulging biceps, and incredible eye at the plate. Next!
Ramírez, Alexei – Bring your second grade Spelling class to the park, and use Alexei as an example of the common grammatical rule “i before e except if he sucks.”
Richar, Danny – Comment to your friend that Richar better get on the field at some point, or else he’s definitely not going to get any richer. When finished, shoot yourself in the head for saying such a horrible heckle.
Swisher, Nick – Ask him why exactly he looks up into the sky before every pitch. Be ready to reply to his answer by proclaiming there is no God.
Thome, Jim – Dress up as your favorite Project Runway contestant – who will undoubtedly be Christian – and critique Thome’s style of wearing his socks far too high when he comes up to bat.
Uribe, Juan – Don your best Jon Miller outfit and spend the next half-hour saying Uribe's last name with a variety of Hispanic inflections.
Vázquez, Javier – A wine aficionado, exclaim loudly that 1972 was a great year for wine, you don’t care what the experts say. After he gets visibly angry, offer a peace offering in the form of your local grocer’s best 2-Buck Chuck.