Monday, February 18, 2008

Atlanta Braves

Diaz, Matt - Last year, Diaz was issued corrective lenses after doctors found out that his depth perception was "virtually non-existent". With that in mind, reprinted below for your heckling ease, the lyrics to the theme song of one of SNL's most poorly used recurring characters:
"Is it far, far away, or just close by
It all looks the same, when seen from the eye
of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception.
He can't explain, why to his brain
it all looks like a two-dimensional plane.
He's Mr. No-Depth Perception."

Escobar, Yunel - With the trade of Edgar Renteria, Escobar will take over the shortstop role all by himself, despite being in the majors less than a year. Now, you're no psychiatric doctor, but you'd have to imagine that there would be an awful lot of pressure on anyone in that position. In fact, you wouldn't be surprised if a lot of that sweat streaming from his brow isn't from the heat of the sun, but instead from the sudden realization that, really, he's probably going to let him teammates down sooner rather than later.

Francoeur, Jeff - A vocal and outspoken born-again Christian, prod him continually to tell you when exactly he hit "rock bottom", since you know that's the reason most folks become "born-again". When he relents and finally admits the moment, post the findings on the Internet, giving the rest of us ample ammunition for The Ultimate Heckle.

Glavine, Tom - Leaving the Mets, Glavine has returned to the Braves, bringing his career full circle in what seems to be a year-long farewell tour. Of course, he hasn't come out and said he's going to retire after this year, but feel free to constantly carry signage proclaiming "Thanks for the memories", "We're going to miss you" and "We'll always remember the important role you played in the strike. Good riddance!"

Hampton, Mike - Get across your complete bafflement you have that Hampton is still out there pitching, for you were positive he was already dead, or else you would have chosen him in this year's Death Pool.

Hudson, Tim - For the second year in a row, Hudson won the Roberto Clemente Award, given to players who have "outstanding performances on the field and in the community". What Hudson doesn't know is that they're also given to the players most likely to die in a plane crash. Remind him about the team's charter flight currently sitting on the runway, idling as it waits for its date with destiny.

James, Chuck - Before the 2002 draft, James broke both of his wrists while attempting to dive off a roof into a swimming pool. Remind him of this tramatic event, and of the larger trauma: falling to the 20th round of the draft because teams were scared to gamble on a pitcher without wrists. Yell "Canonball!" every chance you get, which will be many because baseball's a long game.

Johnson, Kelly -

Jones, Chipper - The nickname "chipper" comes from family members who felt he was a "chip off the old block" of his father. Mull over the sentiments of the nickname out loud, wondering if Chipper's dad also fathered an illegitimate child with a Hooter's waitress back in 1998, or if that was an instance where Chipper was chipping off from a different block entirely.

Jurrjens, Jair - Under no circumstances should you believe him, no matter how many times he answers your question about whether or not his real name is Jair.

Kotsay, Mark - More like Mark NOT-say! (Note: When speaking, make sure to enuciate the adjusted last name, or those around you may think you're making a statement implying that Kotsay is a proponent of the Master Race theory.)

McCann, Brian - Since high school, him and Francoeur have been best friends. They probably spent many high school nights awake, sleeping at each other's houses, talking about how, one day, they'd be on the same major league team. And now they are! Point out that, while you're happy for them now, they should prepare themselves for the inevitability that one of them willeventually be traded. And then, ultimately, one of them will die before the other.

Soriano, Rafael - Dressing up like Angels slugger Vlad Guerrero, the man who gave him a concussion by hitting him with a line drive in the face, should do the trick.

Smoltz, John - In 2004, Smoltz wondered that if the country were to make same-sex marriage legal, whether or not marrying an animal would next be allowed. Show him that his worried are, indeed, grounded in reality by dressing as an animal of your choice with a wedding veil stapled to the head. Our advice: Comment on his recent divorce by dressing up as a horse and holding a sign reading "Our relationship is more stable than yours".

Teixeria, Mark - Showcase the knowledge you learned in 5th grade English classes: "That 'i' comes before 'e' except after 'c', unless it's in the last name of a player who sucks". Clarify that it's not you making up these rules, it's the English language. And if he can't accept that, as a freedom-hating traitor, he should move elsewhere.

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