Thursday, April 10, 2008

Pittsburgh Pirates

Bautista, José - Bautista is known for his versatility, playing center field, right field, left field, 3rd base, shortstop and 2nd base during his career. Wonder aloud if Bautista brings that same versatility to the bedroom, by being either a pitcher or a catcher.

Bay, Jason - In 2006, Bay led all National League outfielders in the All Star voting, mostly due to the aggressive PR campaign by the Pirates to get the vote out for Bay. Let Bay know that the team picked the right year for such a campaign, since judging by his current statistics, it'll be the last All-Star game he ever gets into.

Capps, Matt - When pitcher Zach Duke was married in 2007, Capps was bestowed the role of Duke's best man. Bring up the point that, for a best man, Capps has sure been a dick to Duke over the years, blowing 3 of his good buddy's wins.

Duke, Zach - With the above information handy, suggest that Capps is blowing Duke's wins purposefully because he's still upset Duke's wife married him instead of Capps.

Gorzelanny, Tom - Nicknamed "Gonzo", go the other way and call him by the latter half of his last name, "Loni". While addressing him, adopt the voice and mustache of Burt Reynolds and call him a variety of insults, all of which are synonymous with "whore".

LaRoche, Adam - While his last name is French, LaRoche is actually 100% Mexican. As such, spend the entire game doing your most derogatory and stereotypical impression of a Frenchman. If possible, perform the impression from the stadium's smoking area.

Maholm, Paul - Although he did strike out Billy Crystal when the comedian was on his one-game spring training stint with the Yankees earlier this year, Crystal still fouled off a ball. That's got to be embarrassing.

Marté, Dámaso - Marté has always been highly regarded for his stuff, but for some reason or another, doesn't have the mental makeup to get those all-important last 3 outs of a game. Make a graph displaying the amount of money he's currently making versus the amount he'd be making as a closer, which is much, much, much more.

McLouth, Nate - According to RhymeZone, the surname of "McLouth" is a very rare one, currently the 50,472nd popular in America. Ask Nate how he feels about being so unpopular.

Mientkiewicz, Doug - For someone known as a gritty, tough, likable player, Doug sure has been with a lot of teams during his career. Give him two options for that kind of mobility: either he's in such demand that teams are continually jockeying for his services, or he's a bit more of a dick than previously thought. Seeing how he would only give up the famous World Series ball from 2004 to the Red Sox after a lengthy legal process, assume it's the latter.

Morris, Matt - Morris won the Comeback Player of the Year award back in 2001 after coming back from Tommy John surgery and having a Cy Young-caliber season (he finished 3rd in the voting). Unfortunately, it's been nothing but downhill since then. Suggest another Tommy John surgery, whether he needs it or not.

Nady, Xavier - Last year, Nady was tested for Crohn's disease because he felt stomach pains and the disease ran in his family. Although the tests came back negative, suggest that Nagy wear a diaper while running the bases just in case.

Paulino, Ronny - During his rookie season last year, Paulino become the 1st rookie catcher since Mike Piazza to hit over .310 in at least 100 at-bats. Comment that, from where you're sitting, it looks like Paulino shares another trait with Mike Piazza, namely his ability to fully digest a penis.

Rivas, Luis - Ask him what type of moisterizer he uses on his hands, because they sure are soft, especially when he casually turns that double play ball. The only thing, if you could make a suggestion, would be getting a manicure. His cuticles are, like, completely ragged.

Sanchez, Freddy - Winner of the 2006 Tony Conigliaro Award, given to the player who best overcomes an obstacle or adversity to succeed, Sanchez took home the honor because he was born with a right club foot and a severely pigeon-toed left foot. Dredge up an old painful memory by paying a high-priced escort to dress up as the head cheerleader and ask Sanchez to dance. While she does, have another dozen high-priced escorts stand behind her and giggle at the mock proposal.

Snell, Ian - According to Wikipedia, for some reason or another, from 2001-to-2003, Snell went by the name Ian Oquendo, his wife's last name. This, somehow, makes him less of a man. Remind him of this every chance you get.

Wilson, Jack - If you squint just right, Wilson looks kind of like Steve-O of Jackass fame. Except with a little less intelligence.

1 comment:

LynnieMac said...

I've always thought Jack Wilson bore a striking resemblence to Nosferatu. Even without squinting.