Monday, April 21, 2008

Texas Rangers

Benoit, Joaquín - In 2002, Benoit got the longest save in major league history, pitching the final 7 innings of a game. For some reason, the official scorer refused to give Benoit the win for the game, even though he could have easily done so. Bring up the fact that, perhaps if the official scorer had given him a win instead of a save, Benoit could have been seen as a starter instead of a bullpen arm, in the process earning millions more dollars and impregnating dozens more women on the merits of his fame and prestige alone.

Blalock, Hank - Recently diagnosed with Thoracic outlet syndrome, which is a disorder that affects the nerves which pass from the neck to the arms, tell him not to think about this too much since, you know, it's not like nerves running through your neck are important or anything.

Botts, Jason - Since we haven't done one of these in awhile, how about "More like Jason Notts!" Not good enough? Fine. Fuck you, jerks.

Bradley, Milton - Simply being an umpire seems to be enough to get under his skin, so don a costume, sit in his line of sight, and wait patiently for him to explode. Make sure to wear bulletproof armor underneath.

Broussard, Ben - One of those annoying kinds of players who spend their free time trying to be rock stars by recording music, one of his songs was featured in the A&E show "Dog the Bounty Hunter", making Broussard a racist by association. Let him know you're going to alert the NAACP.

Byrd, Marlon - If anyone near you has trouble pronouncing his last name, just tell them it rhymes with "turd", which is kind of ironic. You think. You're not really sure what ironic means.

Catalanotto, Frank - Suggest that he add a few more vowels into his last name, seeing as it's not like he already has enough of them already or anything. Finish the heckle by added, "Jeez!"

Gabbard, Kason - Point out that it certainly musn't feel too good being traded midseason from a team that goes on to win the World Series. Then again, if he stayed on the team there's no assurance that they would have gone on to win anything at all. Gabbard sucks that much.

Guardado, Eddie - Seeing as he's only pitched in 46 games over the past 3 years, perhaps it's time to change the "Every Day Eddie" nickname. Suggest something along the lines of "Every Day Except Those That End In Y Eddie".

Hamilton, Josh - Start each inning off by offering him a type of drug, the strength of the drug getting progressively stronger as the game goes on. By the 9th inning, he'll be off the wagon.

Kinsler, Ian - According to one of those fluff sports page pieces, Kinsler has been asked to sign autographs on a diaper, a neck brace, a yarmulke, a kid's arm and a giant baseball. Ask him to sign his John Hancock on one more place, your own John Hancock. In case it isn't clear what you mean, point towards your genitals.

Jennings, Jason - Suggest that perhaps Jennings would have had a better career if he didn't pitch in three of the most extreme hitters ballparks in the majors: Colorado begat Houston begat his current place of business in Texas. Perhaps it's time to fire that agent of his.

Laird, Gerald - Let him know that, no matter how well he performs, that young Saltalamacchia fella currently toiling in the minors is going to have his job sooner or later. Offer to help update his resume.

McCarthy, Brandon - Let him know that, as of April 18th when this was written, no one in America liked him enough to pony up the $10 it costs to sponsor a player's page on John Danks, on the other hand, has a sponser. That's got to sting a little.

Millwood, Kevin - In 1997, he was part of one of the greatest starting rotations of all time for the Atlanta Braves, including himself, Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and John Smoltz. Of the four, only one of them will not be in the Hall of Fame. Ask Millwood if he can guess which one.

Murphy, David - He shares a birthday with hunky teen dreamboat Zac Effron. As such, confuse the two and continually ask Murphy to autograph your copy of Teen Beat.

Padilla, Vicente - Inquire about whatever happened to his fan section "Padilla's Flotilla", because, when you were looking around the stadium, you weren't able to find it. In fact, you weren't able to find any fans of Padilla's. Odd.

Saltalamacchia, Jarrod - According to Wikipedia, Jarrod is married to a woman 14 years older then him, who just so happened to work as a teacher in his high school. If you can't think of something witty from this piece of information, you've let us all down.

Wilson, C.J. - A follower of the "Straight Edge" lifestyle, spend the afternoon calling him various names synonymous with vagina.

Young, Michael - Get under his skin by referring to him as Michael "Not So" Young "Anymore". And then laugh and laugh at your wit, until you realize that you yourself are also not so young anymore, making this exercise in heckling more and more depressing as you realize what a waste your life has become. At this point you will come to a second realization about why baseball stadiums can charge so much for alcohol: because no matter the cost, you will be drinking mightily that night.

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