Thursday, May 8, 2008

Kansas City Royals

Bale, John – According to the first entry that comes up when you type "John Bale" into Wikipedia, Bale is an English churchman who wrote the oldest known historical verse drama and actually died in 1563. Make fun of him for being dead.

Bannister, Brian – Bannister is a member of Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity whose motto is “Vir Quisue Vir”, which translates to “Every Man a Man”. Add the phrase “Volo Habeo Sex Per a” to the middle of that phrase, making it gayer than it already is.

Buck, John – A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, let him know that when he dies, you're going to follow the church's practice of baptism of the dead, but in this case, you're going to baptize him as Lutheran!

Butler, Billy – Nicknamed the "Big Donkey", spend the entire afternoon calling him an "Enormous Ass".

Callaspo, Alberto – While the charges were dropped, Callaspo was arrested last year for domestic violence in his home. As such, offer him a giant vat of "Black Eye-Be-Gone" covering makeup.

DeJesus, David – Use a variety of blood analysis, carbon dating, bird bones and photos of Posh Spice to prove that Jesus never existed. Whether or not he's Christian doesn't really matter.

Germán, Estéban – Although he was born in the Dominican Republic, his last name is German. What the fuck?!?! Spend the entire afternoon somehow trying to justify this shocking fact.

Gload, Ross – On September 12, 2001, Gload was claimed on waivers by the Colorado Rockies, in what was, in a way, the beginning of his big league career. Use this fact to deduce that Gload was part of the 9/11 conspiracy.

Gobble, Jimmy – Inquire as to what, exactly, he gobbles. During the questioning, make sure he understands your heavy implication that it’s cock he is consuming.

Gordon, Alex – As a rookie last year, Gordon wore #4 on his jersey, but changed it to #7 this year. Dress up as a numerologist and develop an elaborate theory of why this season is going to be horrible due to the numeric swap.

Greinke, Zack – Back in 2006, Greinke had to leave the team for a year after suffering from social anxiety disorder. While he’s been a nice story this year, putting his demons aside and having a breakout season, you should still bring your mini DSM-IV to find out exactly which buttons to push to induce a panic attack.

Grudzielanek, Mark – Get drunk and scream his last name as many times as possible.

Guillén, José – Amazingly, for a guy who’s currently in his 11th season, he’s also on his 9th team. That type of run doesn’t scream “much-wanted commodity” as much as it heavily implies “enormous dickhead”. Delve into his psychology a little, trying to figure out why he feels the need to act up as much as he does. Conclude by determining that his genitals are small.

Hochevar, Luke – The former first overall pick in the 2006 draft was both a member of the National Honor Society and the Prom King in high school. Berate him for living in the past.

Meche, Gil – Let him know that you were shocked last year after learning Meche was actually worth the hefty contract he signed. In fact, his stats shocked you so much that you thought you were actually going mad! And that’s what makes this current oh-so-shitty year such a relief.

Olivo, Miguel – While he's been in the big leagues for 6 years, really the only reason he's there is because of his bullet arm behind the plate. Remind Olivo that once that goes, which looks like will happen sooner rather than later, it's off to the glue factory for him. (To work, obviously.)

Peña Jr., Tony – Because his name is not identical to his father's, he is technically not a Junior, but he never corrects anyone because that terminology is easier for people to use. Spend the game picketing Peña the Younger for not using the English language correctly.

Soria, Joakim – Since he has the distinction of being the 100th player in MLB history that was born in Mexico, erect a fence around him. However, be prepared to be labeled a racist, since you are.

Teahen, Mark – Teahan recently obtained his dual Canadian-American citizenship, most likely because he's going to cut-and-run as soon as we reinstate the draft, which should happen within the next few months, God willing. Call Teahan a draft dodger.

Tomko, Brett – Tomko is married to Playboy Playmate Julia Schultz, from the February 1998 issue. Order a copy of the back issue, grab a seat directly behind the plate in the pitcher's line of sight, and spend the afternoon on a date with yourself.