Thursday, February 21, 2008
Braun, Ryan - Braun has one of the greatest nicknames in Major League history, the "Hebrew Hammer". Unfortunately, the name doesn't come from his prowess with the bat, but because of his oddly-shaped Limb of Baby-Making, which has the width of a hammerhead shark and the girth of a Hebrew National hot dog. At least, that's the story you should relay to the rest of the crowd.
Bush, Dave - Purposefully mistake him as a relative of the commander-in-chief, continually asking how he feels about his cousin ruining the country. When he corrects your mistaken assumption, ignore him and start to attack his other cousin, Access Hollywood's Billy Bush, who is a much bigger douchebag than the President.
Cameron, Mike - Back in 2002, Cameron wrote a book called It Takes a Team which promotes "self-confidence, open-mindedness and teamwork" as the three keys to success. Suggest that it's time Cameron revisit the book and write an expanded version with a fourth key to success: being banned 25 games for using banned stimulants.
Counsell, Craig - Spread the rumor that Counsell's strange back-to-the-pitcher batting stance isn't a way to get the most momentum out of his tiny frame, but really just an excuse to turn his penis around, in the event that the catcher happens to spend his free time "catching" other objects. Like penises. With his butt.
Fielder, Prince - Instead of heckling, bring an enormous calendar to the park, counting down to the third Sunday in June, historically the date to celebrate Father's Day. Spruce up the visuals by offering gift ideas for Prince to get his father, whom the youngster presumably adores.
Gallardo, Yovani - While originally from Mexico, feign ignorance at his south-of-the-border ethnicity and suggest he return to his home country of Italy, where he must be from with an Italian-sounding first name like that. Alternately, if you want to go a different route, "Yovani RETARDO!"
Gagne, Eric – This one’s going to be complicated. Go to the park wearing your Gagne replica goggles, but with two slight homemade adjustments: (a) Make one arm of the glasses appear to be the arm of a muscle-bound bodybuilder; (b) and make the other an arm that's falling apart, all sinewy and muscle-torn, looking as if whoever owns the arm took plenty of illegal steroids in their day. If you happen to know David Cronenberg, he probably already has a pair of these sitting in his workshop.
Hall, Bill – Last year, Hall lead all major league center fielders with nine errors. Picking on him for this would be advised, possibly by giving him a copy of Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills video.
Hardy, J.J. – Constantly inquire about what crime his brothers Joe and Frank are currently working on. Also, when he’s up to bat, let him know you have obtained nude photographs of that whore Nancy Drew.
Hart, Corey - For day games, drink enough alcohol until you finally remember a word which rhymes with his last name that's synonymous with flatus. For night games, wear sunglasses to hide your bloodshot eyes while making clever references to an 80s one-hit wonder.
Kendall, Jason – Heading into his 11th-year as a pro, Kendall has two less home runs than Barry Bonds' record-breaking single-season output of 73 in 2001. Suggest he remedy this by not acting so similar to those who own vaginas.
Sheets, Ben – Reassure him that you brought along some duct tape, a few band-aids, some Neosporin, and a jar of leeches so he’ll get immediate medical attention the next time he gets hurt, which, by your calculations, should be sometime in the next 4-8 pitches.
Suppan, Jeff – Along with his wife, Suppan owns a restaurant in LA called “Soup’s Grill”, one whose specialty is a Philly cheesesteak sandwich that, in your estimation, is runny, stringy, tasteless and “best served with a side of garbage can, so you don’t have to finish this entire culinary abortion”. Also, feel free to hint that his wife is orchestrating a hostile takeover while he’s away on road games.
Villanueva, Carlos – Not much is known about the man, meaning you'll have to resort to immature name-calling, say, something like “Villanu-GAY-a!”
Weeks, Rickie – Throughout his short career, Weeks has been known as a potential five-tool player. And while he’s been lacking in one distinct department – fielding – he should take solace in the fact that he himself is one giant tool.
Posted by Rick at 12:05 AM