Thursday, March 20, 2008

Florida Marlins

Amezaga, Alfredo - In the 1999 draft, Amezaga was drafted number 401st overall, one spot ahead of Albert Pujols. While you're not entirely sure if the two careers are comparable yet -- Amezaga can still get hot -- bring a giant poster charting the statistics of the two players to give him an idea of where he currently stands.

De Aza, Alejandro - His name is so similar to the director of the horror film High Tension that your best bet is spending the entire game berating him for completely ruining a decent movie with an awful high school film class cop-out of an ending. When he looks at you wondering what the hell you're talking about, admit that, despite the ending, the scene where the killer receives oral sex from a decapitated head was pretty cool.

Gonzalez, Luis - Go out on a limb and suggest that, just maybe, closing out a career in front of dozens of fans in one of the worst stadiums in professional sports wasn't the storybook ending the 5-time All-Star envisioned. Perhaps this is Karma's way of getting back at him for ruining the perfect storybook ending to the 2001 World Series, which should have gone the Yankees way. Instead, the Diamondbacks won, there's still a crater at the World Trade Center, and America's stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, all events which Gonzo is responsible for.

Gregg, Kevin - Mention the irony that, for a man with three g's in his last name, that he's never been able to find the g-spot on a woman. Or a man.

Hendrickson, Mark - Stare in awe with mouth agape at one of the last remaining wonders of professional sports: The two-sport athlete. Hendrickson played in both the NBA and the MLB. And what makes it even more incredible is that, unlike say Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, Hendrickson sucked at both. A true rarity.

Hermida, Jeremy - Last year, he led all major league right fielders in errors, meaning you should bring a giant novelty glove to the game and offer it up.

Jacobs, Mike - Back in 2006, the Marlins held a Jewish Heritage Day, giving away Mike Jacobs T-shirts as a way of honoring their Jewish first baseman. Problem was, Jacobs isn't Jewish. As such, break out the yamakas and dreidels, offer him a few Kosher hotdogs, and ask about what's up with money.

Johnson, Josh - While he'll be missing the entire season due to Tommy John surgery, if you see him in the dugout give him a wave and ask him how he feels about ex-manager Joe Girardi getting the Yankees head-coaching gig. To get an accurate response, first show him video of Girardi bringing Johnson back into the game after an 82-minute rain delay, the incident that shockingly started his rash of arm injuries.

Maybin, Cameron - Part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Tigers, let Maybin know that, really, he was just a throw-in. Andrew Miller was the real reason the team made the trade. He's as meaningless of an add-on as the Text-to-Voice feature on Final Draft!

Miller, Andrew - Another part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Tigers, let Miller know that, really, he was just a throw-in. Cameron Maybin was the real reason the team made the trade. He's as meaningless of a bonus as the director's commentary track for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!

Mitre, Sergio - Pretend to be dyslexic and get into a long verbal argument about how, if Sergio wants to use that form of measurment, he should move to Europe. Explain to him that, here in America, we use "feet" and "inches". Freedom-hater.

Nolasco, Ricky - 25 years old now, it's probably best to suggest Nolasco lose the -y from his first name; that kind of nickname is reserved for British funnymen, fictional racecar drivers and Hispanic singers who may or may not be homosexual. Trust us. We should know.

Olsen, Scott - Olsen's Wikipedia subsection entitled "Suspensions, confrontations and legal problems" currently runs a potent 544 words. No doubt you'll find something in that horror show to make fun of.

Rabelo, Mike - He was drafted in 1998 out of high school by the Red Sox, but turned down the offer to instead play collegiate ball. And it's a good thing too, or else he would have already had his thrist for victory quenched twice-over by being part of two world championship team. Instead, now he has the opportunity to see a team go from "the worst franchise in baseball" to "a team that might win 80 games" over the next decade. Smart move.

Ramirez, Hanley - A truly great hitter, the only way to get into his head is when he's fielding grounders at shortstop, which apparently isn't a daunting task. Judging by his defense over the last few years, all 50 Marlins fans were able to rattle him at one time or another. A simple "Noonan" should suffice.

Uggla, Dan - For once, we have no clever ways of making fun of his last name. It is, truly, a name that completely and accurately describes the person who owns it. You couldn't think of any improvements, except perhaps the addition of an "F" in front.

VandenHurk, Rick - From the Netherlands and nicknamed "The Holland Hammer", spend all game listing reasons why his mom is known as "The Holland Tunnel". On second thought, just list the single reason over and over.

Willingham, Josh - There's no shame in getting corny and simply listing the many different types of meat you're "willing" to eat before ham.

1 comment:

glenn said...

Jorge Cantu was starting 2B for Team Mexico in the 2006 World Baseball Classic despite having been born in Texas (which hasn't officially been part of Mexico since the 1830s). He need a regular reminder of his treason.