Thursday, February 28, 2008

Chicago Cubs

Dempster, Ryan - Known as an easy-going guy who constantly jokes around with the fans, ask him why he needs to have everyone's approval so bad. When he fails to answer, assume it's because he didn't get enough love from his mother and spend the next 5-7 years patting him on the head, assuring him that everything's going to be alright, now that Mama's here. Conclude the heckle by abandoning him on the street after telling him he'll never amount to anything.

DeRosa, Mark - Dressing in ER scrubs and defibrillating your buddy with two empty beer cups, after first loudly yelling out the requisite "clear!", should work fine.

Fukudome, Kosuke - Stay away from the whole "last name looks like fuck you" nonsense -- there'll be plenty of frat guys in the bleachers going that route -- and instead remind Fukudome of the many, many, many family members he left back in Japan, most of which he'll never see again.

Hill, Rich - Born "Richard Hill", continually remind Hill that his name is a homosexual man's paradise: an actual hill made entirely of dicks! Performing songs from "Xanadu" is a nice capper.

Lee, Derrek - His father, Leon Lee, is a former professional ballplayer who served as consultant during the making of the Tom Selleck classic Mr. Baseball, which was actually based on the career of Leon's older brother Leron Lee. All this is a roundabout way of saying you should reenact the scene of Tom Selleck at the mini-urinal.

Lieber, Jon - While he throws with his right hand, he bats as a lefty. This is the sign of a fractured mind. According to most films, crazy people don't like it when you call them "crazy", usually getting defensive about such labels. Therefore, call Lieber "crazy".

Lilly, Ted - Last year, Lilly turned the corner from being merely a mediocre pitcher to becoming an above-average-to-dominant starter. Unfortuntely, it came right after signing his big contract with the Cubs. Lilly evidenly doesn't understand the concept of "contract year", so explain it to him. Conclude your explanation by realizing he's going to be 35 at the end of his current contract, so your previous spiel is basically meaningless, since no one's going to take a chance on a player that old. Too bad.

Marquis, Jason - According to Wikipedia, Marquis plays acoustic guitar for the final track of Nada Surf's latest album, "Lucky". Nada Surf, known best for their hit-song "Popular" in 1996, is a band that sucks. Let Jason in on this fact.

Marmol, Carlos - Nicknamed "Wild Thing" by Cubs fans because of the electrifying movement of his pitches, turn your heckling attention from the field and into the stands, berating the crowd for being completely unoriginal hacks, like another Carlos named Mencia. When someone suggests Mencia is hilarious, retort with a punch in the face.

Marshall, Sean - Before making the major league team back in 2006, Marshall spent time with the team's single-A affiliate the Lansing Lugnuts, who play in Oldsmobile Park in Lansing, Michigan. He was there until 2004, the same year General Motors discontinued producing the Oldsmobile, the line of cars for which the stadium was named. As such, don your Michael Moore costume -- a beard, an MSU hat, and 150 extra pounds -- grab a camera, and berate Marshall for causing America's economic downturn.

Pie, Felix - Relate to the young outfielder that the common phrase "easy as pie" comes from his heritage, specifically his mother, who was a slut.

Ramirez, Aramis - Since you'll need a bullhorn to deliver your taunts over the sure-to-be loud protests of PETA -- Ramirez recently admitted to raising cockfighting roosters in the Dominican Republic -- give him a visual heckle by stitching together two replica jerseys to create a fictional player named Ramirick who plays for the Chiclanta Falcubs. If PETA happens to be absent from the game, just make liberal use of the word "cock" and you'll be fine.

Soriano, Alfonso - Soriano is only the 4th player ever to be part of the 40-40 Club after Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez. Suggest the group change their name to the "Juicers and Douchers Club", since all members of the group have been accused of taking steroids and/or are big douchebags. Ask Soriano which category he fits into.

Soto, Geovany - Calling him "Geovany So-so" might unnerve him a bit, but if you can find a way to compare him to "Toto" -- either the fictional little dog or the Grammy Award-winning rock band -- in a way that's not too convulted, you are a better person than us.

Theriot, Ryan - No matter what people say, or his biography states, Theriot is from Canada, a country you should urge him to return immediately.

Wood, Kerry - Remark aloud that you're sure this will be the year he finally puts all those injury concerns behind him and lives up to the brilliance he flashed as a budding young superstar. He's past them. In fact, he's so past them that you're sure he never even thinks about the untold millions of dollars he left on the table because he couldn't find a way to stay healthy.

Zambrano, Carlos - A fiery personality who points to the sky every time he leaves the mound, wonder aloud that if the Man Upstairs is All-Powerful and All-Knowing, then isn't He also responsible for all the horrors in the world, like that bunt single Zambrano gave up back in the 3rd inning. This paradox should keep him busy for awhile.

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