Thursday, April 3, 2008

San Diego Padres

Bard, Josh - Bard was catching for pitcher Clay Hensley when he gave up record-tying home run number 755 to Barry Bonds last year. Thank him for ruining the sport of baseball forever by letting the bad guy win.

Barrett, Michael - Spending the entire game alternating between yelling "Zambrano's better!" and "Pierzynski's better!" should do the trick. When Barrett rides the pine -- which should be often -- throw in a "Bard's better!" when it feels right.

Edmonds, Jim - Known for his gritty, old-time, "school of hard knocks" style of play, let Edmonds know that if he was born during an earlier era, he might have fit right in. Except for that whole "wearing eyeliner during every game" thing he does.

Germano, Justin - His last name is presumably Spanish for "German", meaning you should alternate between making fun of Germany's Great Embarassment during WWII and by proclaiming that America does need that Southern border fence.

Giles, Brian - A player with 35+ home run power during a 5-year span from '99 to '04, create a make-believe fantasy world for him where the vast outfield of Petco Park didn't sap him of statistics, giving him a realistic chance at 400 career homers, and hell, maybe even an outside shot at the Hall of Fame. Instead, in the real world, he's merely known as the Giles brother who's not on steroids.

Gonzalez, Adrian - A devout church-goer, ask him if he can translate a Bible passage you're having trouble comprehending, specifically Leviticus 20:18: "And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people." Inquire if this was put in for an actual religious reason, or just as an excuse for men to skip out during Aunt Flow's monthly visit?

Greene, Khalil - A practicer of the Bahá'í Faith, which is a Persian religion that emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind, let him know that you actually follow certain tenants of their teachings, specifically becoming united with the female members of his family. With your penis.

Hairston, Scott - Hairston comes from a long line of ballplayers, the longest in baseball history according to games played. Unfortunately, just like the old days of analog cassettes, a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy tends to lose some of its quality, the Hairston family being no exception. Illustrate this point by dramatically unspooling a bunch of VHS tapes.

Hensley, Clay - While it makes sense Hensley would serve up a juicy pitch to Barry Bonds for his record-tying home run -- if only because he'd have a footnote in the history books -- it makes more sense after realizing Hensley himself was suspended in 2005 for taking steroids. And since it looks like juicers stick together, dress up like Jack Lalanne and go down the list of items that are juicable. Somewhere on the list should be Hensley's ass.

Hoffman, Trevor - Busting out your video iPod and playing a looped version of Hoffman's blown save against the Rockies during last year's Game 163 should suffice.

Iguchi, Tadahito - Since his English still needs some work, spend a majority of your time explaining what a "gooch" exactly is. Hint: It's synonymous with "grundle" and probably full of sweat right now.

Kouzmanoff, Kevin - Known as "The Crushin' Russian" -- despite not being Russian at all -- perfect your best Senator Joseph McCarthy impression and spend the game questioning his political affiliations, eventually concluding that he's a Communist and should be black-listed.

Maddux, Greg - Let's not mince words here. Maddux, one of the greatest pitchers in the history of the game, possibly the best pitcher in the past 20 years and a shoe-in first ballot Hall of Famer, looks kind of like he has Down Syndrome.

McAnulty, Paul - Tell him that while you're happy he's stopped his womanizing and manipulation of crime scene evidence, you can't for the life of you figure out what he's going to do now that he's been kicked off the Baltimore PD. After you get his attention with this seeming non-sequitur, go on a 3-hour-long rant about how the press is no longer a worthwhile American institution.

Meredith, Cla - One of the more effective relievers in the majors, Meredith throws with a sidearm thrower. Unfortunately for Meredith, this isn't due to a conscious decision on his part, but because it's the motion he uses during his more intimate moments with himself, which he partakes in often. And now it's stuck like that.

Peavy, Jake - Currently, the best pitcher in baseball, perhaps it's best to leave him alone. If you need to heckle him somehow, make fun of him liking "Larry the Cable Guy", who completely sucks, with or without his fake accent.

Prior, Mark - Comment to a friend, as loudly as possible, that for all the hype about Prior's perfect pitching mechanics early on in his career, they really haven't amounted to anything, have they? When he overhears this and looks your way, premiere a cover version of the hit song from The Simpsons, "Do The Bartman".

Wolf, Randy - With the knowledge that Randy's older brother is a major league umpire, make your case that the pair are similar to the classic films Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too!, in that second one to come out completely sucked.

Young, Chris - Inquire about what happened to his acting career, seeing as you loved him in PCU and Book of Love. Perhaps others were unable to take him seriously because of his boyish good looks and foppish hair.

1 comment:

Meghan said...

Do the Bartman!