Monday, March 31, 2008

Baltimore Orioles

Albers, Matt - In 2006, Albers won the Texas League Pitcher of the Year Award. Since you're aware of the only things that come out of Texas, inquire as to which one Albers is, a steer or a queer?

Báez, Danys - Another Cuban defector, dress up in your favorite Castro costume, sit in Báez's line of sight behind the plate, and spend the entire game sulking in silence. Every now and then, glare and point at Danys, as if suggesting he's yours, and there's nothing he can do about it.

Bradford, Chad - Known for his submarine style of pitching, lump him in with another group of people known for their submarining ability: The Nazis.

Burres, Brian - Since Burres is a twin, let him know that his brother must have gotten the looks. Once this heckle befuddles him and he gives up a hit, follow it up by commenting that it looks like the twin brother got the athletic ability too.

Cabrera, Daniel - Always a possessor of dominant pitching "stuff", the one thing that's kept Cabrera extremely mediocre is his inability to harness control of any kind, walking somewhere near 47 batters an inning. If he can't even control his arm, it's obvious that he'll never be able to control his woman! For some reason, exploiting a player's masculinity seems to work best when dealing with those of Dominican descent due to that whole "machismo" thing.

Gibbons, Jay - During his 7 years on the Orioles, Gibbons has played only 779 of a possible 1,134 contests. Not exactly an Iron Man in the tradition of fellow Oriole, Cal something-or-other. But let him know that you understand it's not all his fault he's been hurt so much; it's probably the illegal steroids and other performance-enhancing substances he's been taking that are to blame.

Guthrie, Jeremy - A fervent member of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints, admit that it was probably worth 2 years of his major league career to serve a mission in Spain seeing as, according to LDS belief, he'll be getting his own planet soon enough. Follow-up with a question about fitting a jock strap underneath his magic underwear.

Hernández, Luis - Known as a "great defensive shortstop" throughout the league, let him know that it's a designation generally reserved by players who suck at hitting, himself not being an exception.

Hernández, Ramón - Great friends with Miguel Tejada, the two are godfathers to each other's children. Wonder aloud if Ramón has perhaps reconsidered that decision, seeing as Tejada hasn't really been acting like a role model, what with all of those steroids he's been eating and all.

Huff, Aubrey - In the offseason, during an appearance on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio show, Huff complained about Baltimore being a "horseshit city". As such, it's best to save your voice, seeing as any heckles you throw Huff's way will get drowned out in the chorus of boos.

Jones, Adam - The high-profile prospect that was the prize in the Erik Bedard trade with Seattle, Jones sure has a lot to live up to. If not, the Orioles organization will continue to be seen as a laughingstock, leading the franchise to eventually move out of the city under the guise of darkness, causing the citizens to finally say "enough is enough" and begin frenzied rioting, leaving millions dead in its wake. And all that blood will be on his hands. No pressure.

Loewen, Adam - A young prospect with a tremendous amount of talent, the one situation he'll never be able to pitch out of is that his last name rhymes with "Blowin". Use this mercilessly.

Markakis, Nick - In the same way, "more like Nick MarGAYkis!" After delivering the phrase, be prepared for an onslaught of high-fives in your direction. Because you are awesome.

Millar, Kevin - One of the only players in the majors who is not a member of the MLBPA -- he was barred from membership in the club because of crossing the picket line during the beginning of the '95 season -- ask Millar how it feels that the club put a "No Kevin Millars Allowed" sign up on its door. Also, complain about this scab that's been bugging you.

Mora, Melvin - In 2001, his wife gave birth to quintuplets. This means five children came out of her. At once. Comment that this explains Mora's strange pauses after every sentence, seeing as him home now has a built-in echo effect.

Olson, Garrett - A student at California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo, a university known for its highly respected engineering program, Olson left college early to pursue his baseball career, a few credits short of obtaining his engineering degree. Let him know that this is a shame, obviously, since it's clear his future is not in baseball.

Payton, Jay - From Zanesville, Ohio, Payton was an extremely bright student, graduating in the top 4% of his class. Good thing too, because his playing career should have been over for 3 years ago.

Ray, Chris - Ray will most likely miss the entire 2008 season after undergoing Tommy John surgery. Because he's a pussy.

Roberts, Brian - Another one of the Mitchell Report Boys, Roberts was busted after only using steroids once (at least that's what he admitted). Let him know that while you believe him, you can't help but think of the dozens, nay, hundreds of other players who took steroids way more often in their careers and didn't have to face the public scorn that Roberts had to, just for taking it one itty-bitty time. And, in Roberts' case, it didn't even do anything.

Scott, Luke - On July 28, 2006, Scott became the first rookie in Astros history to hit for the cycle, an event that included his first career home run. Draw a diagram showing how Scott's life peaked at that moment, illustrating it's all downhill from here.

Sherrill, George - Named the closer of the team, let Sherrill know that since he's on the wrong side of 30, this will probably be his last chance to make an impact in his major league career. Of course, if you happen to catch him after he's already lost the position (over/under is the start of May), simply shake your head and say "that's a shame".

Trachsel, Steve - Born in Oxnard, a town up the coast from Los Angeles, a city that is best known for completely sucking. Attack the city of his youth by claiming Oxnard got it's name because the testicle of an ox is the only item in the world that's worse.


Jose said...

The orioles?, this is not heckling, its bullying.

Rick said...

And make sure to get those heckles in before they find takers for every player they have over 25. Well, except Jay Payton, who no one should want.

jenna said...

tsk... don't talk bad about any player that i semi-know. i believe even when i shouldn't! see 'zito'.