Seattle Mariners

Batista, Miguel - Last year, Batista wrote a thriller novel entitled The Avenger of Blood. Start by explaining how much you enjoyed his book, especially the part at the end where you found out the killer was ______. It doesn't matter what name you use; fans nearby will believe you just ruined the ending for them, keeping them by purchasing the novel and costing Batista untold millions in revenue!

Bedard, Erik - Originally from Canada, warn Bedard that he better be cautious down here: We don't have free universal health care like some folks.

Beltré, Adrián - In order to help his defensive range, Beltré has decided to forgo wearing a protective cup because he finds them uncomfortable and they affect his running. Luckily, and this is something you should point out, he doesn't need one. Because he doesn't have a penis.

Betancourt, Yuniesky - Another Cuban defector, he was illegally smuggled into the U.S. way back in 2003. Spend much of the game contemplating how large his smuggler's asshole must have been to fit Betancourt inside of it. Close by asking him if he's been able to get the stench off yet.

Dickey, R.A. - One of the greatest names in all of baseball, just sit back, take a breather, and let those around you make fun of Dickey's last name when he takes the mound. Which will not be often.

Hernández, Félix - Possibly given the royal nickname of "King Felix" a bit too prematurely in his young career, suggest an alternative like, say, Countess von Felix. Follow this up by calling for his beheading after every time he gives up a hit.

Ibáñez, Raúl - In the past two years, he's put up arguably the greatest stats of his long career. It's not unheard of, but kind of strange that a player would turn the corner at 34 years old, an age when most players' skills start diminishing. In fact, it's a little too strange. From here, concoct a Twilight Zone-esque story about the deal Raúl made with someone who may or may not be the devil. (Spoiler: he is)

Johjima, Kenji - Trying as hard as possible to learn English in order to be a more effective catcher, warn Johjima about another person of Asian persuasion who tried to learn English: Jin from Lost. And his wife cheated on him!

López, José - Make him aware that you're not even going to bother heckling him, since he's the 2nd-best 2nd-baseman named José on the team. Plus, you can't find any dirt on him.

Putz, J.J. - When he comes in the 9th inning for his closing duties, Putz runs to the mound while AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" plays on the stadium's loudspeakers. He is the 3,487th pitcher to use that song as his entrance music. Recognize the lameness in his unoriginality and begin suggesting alternatives. Number one on your list: "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross.

Reed, Jeremy - Whereas the recognition of Arizona's Chris Young is frowned upon because of his inclusion in Kenny Williams' Folly, feel free to heckle this ex-White Sock as much as you want. If he ever finds his way back into the starting lineup.

Sexson, Richie - At 6-foot-6, Sexson is the tallest position player in MLB history. Ask Richie if it's true what the old saying says about tall men and their genitals. When he doesn't respond, assume that he's the exception to that rule.

Silva, Carlos - Last year, his son was born one hour after teammate's Juan Rincon's son, meaning the kid's going to spend the rest of his life getting beat up by the Younger Rincon. Suggest that, if he really loved his son, he would have paid the doctors some under-the-table cash to push the delivery up a few hours.

Suzuki, Ichiro - The first MLB player to be inducted into the Golden Players Club, Japan's baseball hall of fame, spend the game spamming those around you with pamphlets and verbal diatribes about the legitimacy of Ron Paul as a presidential candidate. When they've gotten sufficiently annoyed at your unrealistic arguments, explain that you're doing this all on Ichiro's behalf, since he's evidently a huge fan of the Gold Standard. The fans will then focus their anger on the outfielder, who will presumably be maimed.

Vidro, José - One of the most patient hitters in the league, Vidro has never struck out more than 70 times in a season. Opine that this is probably because he saves all of his striking out for the ladies.

Washburn, Jarrod - One of the most underrated pitchers around, let him know that you really appreciate the great work he's been doing out there for years now. Once you realize it's actually Washburn out there and not Roy Halladay, exclaim "oh!" and take back every complement you previously gave.

Wilkerson, Brad - While he has never been married, Wilkerson has two daughters. Inquire throughout the entire game about how this can be because, for the life of you, you can't figure out how two children can come into existence except through the love and devotion of a happily married couple. Unless it's one of those strange Biblical miracles. And, if that's the case, are one of his two girls the Second Coming? Is the other one jealous?