Arroyo, Bronson - Dress up like an undead Charles Bronson and berate Arroyo for his shitty dream of becoming a rock star.
Cordero, Francisco - Nicknamed "Coco", list the many similarities he has with the other CoCo, rapper Ice T's buxom swimsuit model wife. The first one's for free: A great ass!
Cueto, Johnny - A rookie phenom pitcher, his role model and hero growing up was Pedro Martinez. Ask him how he feels that Pedro was involved with cockfighting in the Dominican Republic. When he starts to answer, reply by putting your finger on his lips and slowly shaking your head in disappointment.
Dunn, Adam - A favorite of Baseball Prospectus for his high rate of ending his at-bats via one of the Three True Outcomes (walk, strikeout or home run), let Dunn know that, no matter how his baseball career goes, there is really only One True Outcome for everyone: the cold grasp of death.
Encarnación, Edwin - Remind him of how he was pulled during a game last year by manager Jerry Narron for not running out a fly ball. Every 25 seconds.
Fogg, Josh - Ask him why exactly his nickname is "Dragon Slayer" while using one of those very offensive and stereotypical gay voices.
Freel, Ryan - Arrested twice for alcohol-related incidents in 2006, imply that the reason he plays so many different positions is simply because he's always wasted and doesn't remember where to go. After you explain this, reveal that this entire game is just one enormous intervention.
González, Álex - Often mistaken for the ex-Cubs shortstop of the same name, wear your Kerry Wood replica jersey and blame him for the Bartman Incident. When he gives you a puzzled look, sell your role as a Cubs fan by doing a keg stand while reciting the 2008 pledge class of your Sigma Nu frat house.
Griffey Jr., Ken - Printing and laminating one of the many articles from 2000 arguing that Griffey would be the person to break Hank Aaron's home run record should produce a few tears, many of them from your own tear ducts, unless your heart is made of stone.
Hairston Jr., Jerry - Another one of the Mitchell Reporters, ask Jerry to take a look out into right field to see how a good son goes about not disgracing his family name.
Harang, Aaron - Relentlessly make fun of him for becoming Pedro Martinez's 3,000th career strikeout victim. No matter what happens, that's staying on the ol' resume of life.
Hatteberg, Scott - An avid fly fisherman, wear a PETA shirt and ask him whether or not he does the whole "catch and release" thing. When your shirt intimidates him into answering yes, call him a pussy.
Patterson, Corey - One of those top prospects that turned out to really just be mediocre, spend the afternoon comparing him to Hermione from Harry Potter.
Phillips, Brandon - Born in Raliegh, North Carolina, continually interrogate him about the whereabouts of the Lost Colony of Roanoke.
Ross, David - When he was signed in 2006, Ross was used as a "personal catcher" for Bronson Arroyo. Funny thing is, it had absolutely nothing to do with baseball. (Zing!)
Valentin, Javier - Let him know that, no matter how hard he tries, his brother Jose will always be able to out-pimp him. Mostly because of the 'stache.
Volquez, Edinson - Nicknamed "Voltron", spend the game arguing that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a far superior show. When he begins to make a compelling counter-argument, just say the words "Pink Ranger", watch him spontaneously ejaculate into his pants, and wipe your hands clean, mission accomplished.