Thursday, March 13, 2008

Cleveland Indians

Betancourt, Rafael - Known for being so much better than sucky closer Joe Borowski, loudly brainstorm reasons why he must have caused the team to hate him so much, seeing that they still won't put him in the role. Make sure to deliver the heckle in the angry and sarcastic tone of his Ninja Turtle namesake.

Blake, Casey - Whenever he's up to bat, perform an intricate one-man vaudevillian performance of the poem "Casey at the Bat". If all goes well, and Blake strikes out just as the Casey in the poem does, take a bow and, if the crowd demands it, give an encore.

Borowski, Joe - If you look at him real quick, or have prosopagnosia, Borowski looks exactly like John Rocker. As such, repeatedly ask Borowski why he hates people of other races so much.

Byrd, Paul - Byrd looks just like Frasier star Kelsey Grammer, which means you can go one of two ways: (1) be tame, dress up like Sideshow Bob and revel in your hatred of Bart Simpson by reproducing your favorite lines from the show; (2) be a bit harsher and ask if he can score you some good drugs or hookers, preferably both at the same time.

Cabrera, Asdrúbal - Ask Cabrera if he has any recommendations for a good proctologist, because you have a bad case of the "Ass Dribble" yourself.

Carmona, Fausto - Lie and tell Fausto you missed watching the entire 2007 baseball season because of a some kind of ailment. However, you do remember the 2006 season, when Carmona found his way into the closer role for the Indians, which didn't go well, if you recall correctly.

Choo, Shin-Soo - Given his last name (or is it first?), Choo has an ample amount of nicknames based around locomotives. And while most of them are innocent enough, introducing the concept of a Gang-Bang Train porn is sure to get his attention, especially when you reveal you're referring to one without pixelated genitals!

Dellucci, David - A graduate from Catholic High School, an all-male Catholic college-preparatory school in Baton Rouge, feel free to perm your hair, try on your best muscle tee, and spend the afternoon delivering A.C. Slater-esque taunts of "preppie" to Dellucci. Make sure to use a marker to fill in your dreamy dimples.

Garko, Ryan - While at Stanford, he was a member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, meaning he must have participated in a number of homosexual activities during his collegiate career. Spend the afternoon guessing which ones they were.

Gutiérrez, Franklin - Make sure he recognizes you're not say "Goo-tierrez!", you're saying "Boo-tierrez!" Because you hate him.

Hafner, Travis - Did you know Hafner's nickname "Pronk" is actually the name of a sexually act where, without getting too graphic, the man ejaculates into the woman's nose, stuffs the end of her nose with cotton balls, and covers her mouth, forcing her to blow oxygen out her nose in one explosion of sticky whiteness which, if done correctly, will emit a Pronk!-type sound? Well, it isn't. But Hafner doesn't know that.

Laffey, Aaron - No words, no clever phrases, no remarks about his 88mph fastball. Just point and laffey at him. (Ba-dum-dum)

Lee, Cliff - Stay away from heckling Lee. He hit Sammy Sosa in the head during "Sosa Celebration Night" a few years back, which makes him alright in our book. Find someone else to taunt.

Marté, Andy - Suggest that since he has never lived up to the hype surrounding his talents, perhaps it's time to try a different career path, one he may be better suited for. Say, wiping down the glass after a gentlemen uses one of those personal "viewing booths" at a truck stop porn shop. Actually, strike that. You need some skill for that or you'll leave streaks.

Martínez, Víctor - Born in Ciudad Bolivar, Venezuela, a key site for the Simon Bolivar-led struggle for independence from Spain, constantly make fun of El Libertador by changing the definite article in the phrase from male to feminine. Yeah! Eat that!

Peralta, Jhonny - Before last year, Peralta opted to have LASIK eye surgery after suffering from vision problems. Make sure to let him know that, since this is such a new procedure, long-term tests on patients who've had LASIK are still inconclusive. In fact, anything could happen to those that have had it. And that anything includes their eyeballs exploding at any moment.

Sabathia, C.C. - Inquire incessently about what exactly the "C.C" stands for. When he doesn't respond, suggest an assortment of possibilities, constantly using words like "cock", "cum", "craving", "cameltoe" and "C+C Music Factory".

Sizemore, Grady - Turn your focus to the bleachers and Sizemore's large, predominantly-female fan section, "Grady's Ladies". Ruin their day by confirming you have a good source who confirms that Grady doesn't snuggle after sex. Ever.

Westbrook, Jake - During his high school career, Westbrook threw six no-hitters. Suggest that maybe the reason he hasn't thrown any in the majors so far is because he isn't as cool as he once was back in the day. To get his cool quotient back up, offer him a cigarette. Before every pitch.

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