Aybar, Willy - Admit that it's too bad he got hurt this year, seeing as now that the Rays brought up top propsect Evan Longoria to take over for the injured Aybar, he's never going to get his job back again. Ever.
Baldelli, Rocco - Whenever you see him, which will be rare, immediately make a point of paging Dr. House.
Bartlett, Jason - Part of the trade that brought pitcher Matt Garza to the Rays and sent young phenom Delmon Young to the Twins, ask Bartlett how it feels to be the least gifted quantity in a blockbuster trade like that one.
Crawford, Carl - One of the best players in the majors when you just consider his statistics, Crawford would be an Alex Rodriguez level superstar if he was playing on just about any other team than the Rays. Console him by reminding Crawford that all 300 of the Rays fans really like him. That's got to be worth something.
Floyd, Cliff - During his long 16-year career, Floyd has only played 1535 of a possible 2450 games. Suggest that maybe it's time to be involved in a less strenuous sport, something along the lines of "competitive sleeping".
Garza, Matt - Compare Garza to the player he was recently traded for, Delmon Young, making a point to let Garza know that he certainly needs to have one hell of a career to make it close to being a fair trade. That's how good Young is going to be.
Gomes, Jonny - At the age of 22, in 2002, he suffered a heart attack and nearly died. Wonder if the condition was really solved, or if it was just a sign that hig heart can stop at any minute, like now! Continue to say now! throughout the rest of the game.
Hammel, Jason - According to his eerily limited Wikipedia profile, Hammel's girlfriend originally comes from Rhode Island, making it extremely likely that she's racist. Ask him when the Klan meeting is.
Hinske, Eric - From 2001 to 2003, the three winners of the American League Rookie of the Year award were, in order, Ichiro Suzuki, Hinske, and Angel Berroa. Let him know that one of these three is not like the others, and, more damaging, the other two are exactly the same.
Iwamura, Akinori - "Aki" holds the Japanese record for most strikeouts in a season with 173 in 2004. Use this to attack his honor. However, before you do, make sure all swords are locked away.
Jackson, Edwin - Born in Germany, bring up painful memories from his childhood by coming to the game in a black leotard and blasting homemade techno music.
Kazmir, Scott - During his appearance in the 2006 All Star Game, Kazmir was flown to the game by fellow All Star Alex Rodriguez. Wonder aloud what exactly Kazmir had to do to get such a perk. When going through possible scenarios, make sure all of them involve some kind of homosexual activity.
Longoria, Evan - Let him no that, no matter how hard he tries, he'll just never be a viable film actress. Instead, he should be happy enough with a hit TV show and being able to spend every night with that dreamy Tony Parker.
Navarro, Dionar - His nickname "Little Pudge" comes from his resemblance to future Hall of Fame Tigers catcher Ivan Rodriguez. At least that's what he was told. Break the bad news that, in actuality, he got his nickname from his less-than-ample genital size.
Niemann, Jeff - His last name rhymes with "semen", which should be enough information to get you through his brief stint in the majors.
Peña, Carlos - Long thought to be an up-and-coming star, Peña never really caught on anywhere until last year with the Rays, his 6th season in the big leagues. Admit that while it's a nice story he's finally broken past the barrier and become a viable major league option, it must suck to do so when you're already on the downslope of your career. When you realize how much money he makes anyway, heckle someone else.
Percival, Troy - Technically part of the World Series runner-up Tigers team of 2006 despite never once throwing a pitch during the season, console Percival with the fact that, somewhere in the galactic vortex of alternate universes, Percival is healthy enough to actually pitch in the World Series. But, even in that universe, they still lose because he sucks.
Reyes, Al - On April 10th, Reyes got in a bar fight in South Tampa and was tased twice by police. Create a dramatic interpretations of the event, complete with props, lighting, sound effects, and at least five plot twists.
Ruggiano, Justin - He was born in Austin, Texas, making him an American-hating tree-hugging hippy. Protest him.
Shields, James - Shields is San Francisco Giants outfielder Aaron Rowand's first cousin, someone who not only has a World Series ring, but is also making a whole lot money than him, although not a large enough amount as to make Rowand feel obligated to buy him things. That's the worst possible scenario.
Sonnanstine, Andy - A graduate of Wadsworth High School in Wadsworth, Ohio, use this as an excuse to finally premiere your one-man play based on the brilliant film Clue. Make sure to hum all the music and close with the line "one plus two plus two plus one is ..."
Upton, B.J. - His real name is "Melvin Emanuel", which oddly has neither a "B" or a "J" in it. Suggest that he was given his first name because he mixed up the "name" and "hobbies" section on one of his forms.