Monday, May 12, 2008

Detroit Tigers

Bonderman, Jeremy – Seeing as Bonderman’s become another one of those Detroit pitchers who seems like they have all the tools to succeed, but for some reason or other, they can never put it together, go to his pre-game autograph session and ask him to sign your Jeff Weaver jersey.

Cabrera, Miguel – A practitioner of the Afro-Caribbean religion Santeria, spend the afternoon singing a soaring a cappella rendition of the Sublime song of the same name.

Granderson, Curtis – From the southern Chicago suburb Blue Island, let Granderson know that never of any consequence has ever come from the town. As your first piece of evidence, submit for his perusal the pop punk band Mest.

Guillén, Carlos – In 2001, Carlos was hospitalized with pulmonary tuberculosis, which is disgusting. As a tribute to the disease, stage a dramatic one-man show of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, who died of TB.

Inge, Brandon – An overall grumpy goose ever since the Tigers brought in Miguel Cabrera to play 3rd base forcing Inge to take a role as overall utility player, try to turn his frown upside-down by dressing as a clown, playing peek-a-boo and, if he gets close enough, tickling him.

Jones, Todd – A devout Christian who uses Contemporary Christian music whenever he enters the game from the bullpen, make a strong argument that all Christian rock bands have just chosen that niche because of the high profitability of having such a devout, and seemingly tasteless, audience. If you don’t have time enough to get your message across, just make the accurate claim that DC Talk is horrible.

Joyce, Matt – Since nobody knows much about him, read aloud Finnegan’s Wake in its entirety.

Ordóñez, Magglio – Congratulate him for continuing to play following the disappointment he must feel after spending 8 years with the White Sox, only to see them win their long-awaited championship the year after he left. No matter how many batting titles you get afterwards, that still can’t feel good.

Polanco, Plácido – Godfather to Albert Pujols’ son Ismael, let Polanco know that you saw him smoking in the stadium bathroom, and if he took his job seriously, he would leave his position at second base right now to go and reprimand him.

Raburn, Ryan – Proclaim loudly that, after last night at the local Detroit whorehouse, your crotch is ryan ra-BURNING! At the very least, this should get neighboring fans to move away and give you a better view of the game.

Rentería, Edgar – Because of his poor play in Boston, the pussy Red Sox fans – they can’t even laugh at cancer! – dubbed him “Rente-error” and “Rent-A-Wreck”. Add a new one to the canon: “Edgar Diarrhea!”

Robertson, Nate – He wears glasses on the mound in order to fix his lazy eye. Ask him if he blames his parents for the ailment, seeing as they didn’t love him enough to keep their lackadaisical ocular nerve genes away from him.

Rodney, Fernando – A pitcher who relies on a fastball that reaches 100mph, let him know that might be difficult to do with his sore right shoulder. With that information, grease up your hair, don a leather jacket, and shadily tell him to meet you by his locker after gym class. You got a way he can maintain his competitive edge against these up-and-coming youngsters.

Rodríguez, Iván – One of the greatest defensive catchers of all time, imply that the reason he got the nickname “Pudge” is because of how excited he gets whenever he throws a baserunner out. If he doesn’t understand, loudly say the Spanish word for “erection” which is, hilariously, “erección”.

Rogers, Kenny – Let him that, even though his extensive plastic surgery has made him look extremely creepy, and you’d never leave him alone with your daughter, you could listen to “Islands In the Stream” all day long.

Sheffield, Gary – Since you don’t want to heckle Sheffield directly (unless you brought your bullet-proof vest to the ballpark) spend the game asking the many Latino players on the team if Sheffield was right when he told GQ magazine there’s more Latinos than black players in the majors because they’re easier to control.

Thames, Marcus – Nicknamed “Slick”, spread the rumor that he obtained the moniker after an unfortunate incident involving Crisco, a very sensitive area on his person, and the fist of a truck driver named “Hairy Bill”.

Verlander, Justin – A youngster who’s had a quick start to his career – including a Rookie of the Year award and a no-hitter – tell Verlander that he reminds you of another youngster who has a quick start: Haley Joel Osment.

Willis, Dontrelle – Imply that his extreme high leg kick during his pitching delivery proves that he is groin-less.

Zumaya, Joel – Sidelined during the 2006 ALCS because of a sore wrist which he allegedly got by playing Guitar Hero way too much, imply that you know the real reason he hurt his wrist, and it involves a horrible mix of online porn, tissues, Vaseline, and complete and utter loneliness.


Raj C. said...

Sweet Picture.

glenn said...

Ask Pudge Rodriguez how often he's visited Ugueth Urbina in his Venezuelan prison. Conjugally.