Thursday, May 22, 2008

New York Yankees

Abreu, Bobby - In 2006, Abreu was traded to the Yankees along with Phillies pitcher Cory Lidle, who died a few months later after flying into a residential building in New York. Use convulted logic to place the blame for Lidle's death on Abreu.

Cabrera, Melky - Tell him you're starting your own version of the "Got Milk?" campaign, which explains the white moustache you're currently sporting. However, since you were unable to find the bone-strengthening beverage you've had to settle for something else instead. And this one's much stickier.

Canó, Robinson - For the life of him, Canó's cannot ever take a walk. Harass him for caring too much about his personal glory rather than the plight of his teammates. Jackie Robinson, who he was named after, wouldn't have been so selfish.

Chamberlain, Joba - Wear a trenchcoat and let him know that you have a wide variety of illegal black market bug spray inside if he's interested.

Damon, Johnny - A fan favorite while in Boston, ask him if it's worth the extra Yankee money to have a bunch of people basically not care about him at all.

Ensberg, Morgan - Comment that it's great to see Ensberg finally make the jump and turn into a quality baseball player. Then ask your friend for today's newspaper, look at the date and exclaim, "Wait a minute! It's not 1995?!?!"

Farnsworth, Kyle - A pitcher who has all of the talent in the world but somehow just can't get it to translate into being good, suggest his horrible career is the universe's comeuppance for Philo Farnsworth creating the medium that allowed According to Jim to exist.

Giambi, Jason - Continually confuse him with Jeremy. When someone corrects you, comment that there's no way that's Jason Giambi out there; you remember Jason being a little bit larger and a whole lot better.

Hawkins, LaTroy - From Gary, Indiana, get halfway through the relevant song from The Music Man, but break down midway in a coughing fit from the pollution.

Hughes, Philip - Since he'll probably be sitting on the bench nursing an injury when you head to the park, bring a mini-TV and replay his near no-hitter from last year where he had to be taken out of the game after pulling a hamstring. Let him know that he should consider this mini-TV a gift, a living memory of the one single moment where he achieved the most he's ever going to achieve in his life. And then take the TV back because you're not made of money.

Jeter, Derek - Dress up like a sabermetrician and criticize his horrendous defense using a variety of charts and graphs. However, comment that there is justice in the world seeing that A-Rod, a superior player in every way, is making twice as much money. Thank you, America!

Kennedy, Ian - Looking at his stats, comment that it was definitely worth it for the Yankees to keep him instead of using him as part of the deal to get Johan Santana. Yeah, definitely worth it. Make sure he knows you're being sarcastic.

Matsui, Hideki - Nicknamed "Godzilla", blow his mind by explaining the interpretation that the monster movies are meant as an allegory to the horrors of nuclear technology. End your lecture by asking Matsui if he got the nickname because, like Godzilla, he doesn't have a penis.

Molina, José - The middle child of the Fantasy Catching Molina Brothers, ask him if he feels left out because parents obviously love their eldest and youngest children much more than the ghastly mistake of the middle one.

Mussina, Mike - Mussina has had more near no-hitters and near perfect games than any other pitcher in recent memory. Ask him why he doesn't have the tenacity or brain power to fully complete a work of perfection unlike, say, Hideo Nomo, who has two no-hitters.

Pettitte, Andy - Dress up like Roger Clemens and give Pettitte your best come hither look. When you get his attention, bend over and take it like a man.

Posada, Jorge - Considered one of the best catchers in the history of baseball, remind him about what happened to the last great Yankees catcher. To get your point across, deliver the tale while wearing a handlebar mustache.

Rasner, Darrell - A health ecology major in college, quiz him on what the loss of a keystone predator means for an ecological system. When he has no idea what you're talking about, as an example use his mother who, if she wasn't around, wouldn't be able to consume the millions of gallons of sperm she currently does, allowing them to run rampant and destroy our ecosystem.

Rivera, Mariano - A deeply religious Christian, Rivera maintains that God has a reason for everything, as evidenced by the Yankees losing the World Series in 2001, allowing his friend Enrique Wilson to not be aboard an airplane that crashed on its way to the Dominican Republic. Hint that maybe God's just a Diamondbacks fan. When Mo shakes that theory off, ask him what God's reason was for killing Lou Gehrig.

Rodriguez, Alex - For all the MVP awards and the stats and the Gold Gloves, the one thing that is still missing from A-Rod's mantle is a championship ring. Meanwhile, that person standing right next to him has a whole lot of rings. Suggest A-Rod borrow one.

Wang, Chien-Ming - There's really no better place to end this entire list of heckles, most of which are juvenile dick jokes showcasing the author's inability to get past a 5th grader's intellegence level, than with the word Wang. So, there. Call him "wang".