Monday, March 3, 2008

Arizona Diamondbacks

Burke, Chris – From the top prospect in the Astros organization in 2005, to a presumed role as a utility substitute this year with the Diamondbacks, it’s been a quick fall from grace for Burke, one which you should examine in a poster that includes an hilarious addendum on the bottom, as if he’s fallen so far he’s off the chart!

Byrnes, Eric – Start by claiming how big of a fan you are, and how you follow all of his various radio and television shows, which deal mostly with his life off the field. Then admit that, for the life of you, even though you know Byrnes is married, you’ve never seen or heard much about this alleged wife of his. On the other hand, you sure have heard a lot about his dog Bruin. Conclude your external dialogue by hazarding an educating guess that Byrnes is fucking his dog.

Drew, Stephen - Relate the fact that, when parents say that “they love all of their children equally”, really they’re just hedging their bets, reserving the right to name their favorite until one of them amounts to something. And now that Drew's brother J.D. won a World Championship last year, you can imagine which ring they're throwing their hat into.

Haren, Dan - Admit that while you might not have your finger on the pulse of baseball, one thing you've been hearin' is that Dan Haren is overrated. When he asks who you heard this from, point to your friend and run away.

Hudson, Orlando – After his team had clinched a playoff spot last year, O-Dog got a boo-boo on his thumb. One that was so bad that, after getting some advice from his agent, he elected to have season-ending surgery instead of gutting it out and trying to help his team in the post-season. As such, renting out a booth in center field to display an empty jar which you’ve marked “Orlando Hudson’s Loyalty & Determination” should suffice.

Jackson, Conor – His father, actor John M. Jackson, is most famous for his role as Rear Admiral A.J. Chegwidden on the hit CBS show JAG, a title you should always refer to with an added suffix of “-off”. Also, find out exactly what a “Rear Admiral” does, besides of course being a master of All Things Anal.

Johnson, Randy - When you show up during the first few games dressed as a dove, the bird of peace the Big Unit killed with a fastball a few years back, he's not going to react much. By the 5th game, he'll notice you and smile in recognition. By the 48th game, the realization of killing such a wondrous creature will finally get to him and he'll retire from the game forever. If he makes it 48 games this year.

Lyon, Brandon – Four year ago, Brandon and Sara Lyon welcomed their first-born son Isaac into their lives. And, while you’re no Biblical scholar, you do seem to recall a passage in the Old Testament about some bearded guy who also had a wife named Sara(h) and a son named Isaac. Except, in this case, the fella took young Isaac up to the top of a mountain and tried to kill him, you know, since God demanded it and all. Luckily, just before he finished the deed, an angel came down from heaven and told guy -- was it Abraham? -- that God was just bullshitting around again. Wonder aloud if God still has the self-restraint not to let another husband-of-Sara kill their son Isaac. Or maybe His bloodlust has finally become insatiable.

Owings, Micah - Known best as a pitcher with an alarmingly high batting average -- his .333 average is fourth best all time for pitchers with over 50 at-bats -- state that he better not stop getting hits while he's on the mound, you know, since he's such a horrible, horrible pitcher.

Peña, Tony – Admit that, while you would usually heckle him, you’re not even sure which Tony Peña he is. According to census reports, there are literally 437,482 of them in America. And that’s not countin' the illegals.

Petit, Yusmeiro – Hint that you have first-hand knowledge that the only thing “petit” about Yusmeiro is the amount of genitals he received on his body as a result of an unlucky combination of his maternal and paternal genetic makeup. On second thought, better make that at least second-hand knowledge.

Reynolds, Mark – Reynolds is known throughout certain dorky circles of baseball as bearing a striking resemblance to Star Wars hero Luke Skywalker. Not because of how he looks, but because he also wants to fuck his sister. And his dad’s kind of a prick.

Snyder, Chris – Usable information on Snyder is scarce, meaning it’s time to take a break from negativity. Use this time to close your eyes, massage your vocal chords with some warm tea, and practice your favorite deep-breathing exercises. After the rest, slowly warm back up your heckling muscles by calling Snyder an asshole.

Tracy, Chad – Observe that they must have his names turned around, you know, since he acts like a girl and all. Make sure to follow the heckle by apologizing to all females around you, stating that just because you’ve used their gender as a derogatory term doesn’t mean you disrespect them or feel they are inferior in any way. It’s just that, in the society we live in, attacking another male’s manhood by comparing him to a female is the most effective way of mentally assaulting them. While offering this explanation, protect your genitals with both hands.

Upton, Justin - Admit that you sure wouldn't be able to handle the pressure associated with being the first overall draft choice in 2005. In fact, you can't see how anyone can. Spend the final 7 innings delivering a soaring rendition of Billy Joel's "Pressure", substituting "do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do" for the piano parts.

Webb, Brandon – Last year, he had only three straight complete game shutouts. Pussy.

Young, Chris – As a self-proclaimed White Sox fan, the author of this entry has vowed never to acknowledge the existence of the young power-hitting, super-fast, soon-to-be superstar centerfielder. If you had an ounce of appreciation in your soul for the heckles you’ve previously read, you’d do the same.


Alan said...

Tony Pena also tried to play under the name of his nephew to lower his age. So when I complained to him about not getting a Carlos Quentin Milk Mustache growth chart even though I told them I was my 6 year old nephew, I think deep down he understood my pain.

Glynnjamin said...

Actually, Snyder has plenty of usable information...

Like - he's from Texas. Has a military-style buzz cut. He hits .230 consistently. He allows more balls to get past him than a blind homosexual. He comes out to Eminem's Lose Yourself which begs for you to ask him the question - Can he stop losing for the whole team and just focus on losing for himself?