Monday, May 5, 2008

Colorado Rockies

Atkins, Garrett – But a bunch of hot dogs, remove the buns, and throw them at him. During his pelting, sarcastically thank him for ruining food with his shitty diet.

Barmes, Clint – In 2005, his Rookie of the Year candidacy was ruined after he broke his left collarbone during a fall down the stairs at his apartment building, caused because he was carrying a large slab of meat given to him by Todd Helton. After relating the story to the rest of the fans, admit that you never would have thunk Helton’s penis would be that enormous.

Cook, Aaron – In 2004, Cook underwent extensive surgery in order to relieve compression on a major blood vein, a procedure that included removing one of his ribs. Spread a rumor that the rib was actually removed for a complete different, Marilyn Manson-type reason.

Corpas, Manny – If you substitute saves for penii, he’s the Heather Brooke of baseball, because he blows them so often. You get the gist, but reword it so it makes more sense.

De La Rosa, Jorge – A pitcher whose starts of often interrupted by the suggestive “blisters on the fingers” ailment, suggest he fix the problem by halting his thrice-daily drum-a-longs with The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter”.

Francis, Jeff – Francis has really become the first pitcher to have sustained success while pitching in the high altitude of Denver. Ask him if he really thinks that he’s the only one to have “figured it out” or if, at some point in the near future, the balls are going to start dropping and he’s going to revert back to the mean. Before he answers, say “it’s the 2nd one, dumbass!”

Fuentes, Brian – Ask him how he feels to take his good friend Manny Corpas’ job as closer. Point out that it’s not even because Fuentes has been extraordinarily good, but because Corpas has been so bad. That should sting a bit.

Hawpe, Brad – A great fielder – his 16 assists led the league in 2006 – admire his arm and wonder how it could have possibly gotten so strong. Conclude with a heavy implication that it’s all from masturbating.

Helton, Todd – While at the University of Tennessee, he was backup quarterback to both Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning. Proclaim that there’s no shame in backing up Manning, seeing as he’s currently the best quarterback in the NFL, but there is a hell of a lot of shame in backing up Shuler.

Herrera, Jonathan – A recent call-up due to the injury to Troy Tulowitzki, let him in on the extreme rookie hazing he should expect to receive in the next few weeks, all of which involve the large end of a baseball bat and his own anus.

Hirsh, Jason – For his marriage last November, he presented his new bride with a wedding gift of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Spend the game in full swoon, marveling at just how romantic he truly is.

Holliday, Matt – Loudly proclaim that you wish he went on a holiday. To Dead Island!

Iannetta, Chris – Not a lot of dirt goes on with backup catchers usually because of their minimal amount of playing time, and Iannetta is no different. So until he does something really memorable or stupid, changing the ‘e’ in his last name to an ‘o’ will have to do.

Jiménez, Ubaldo – Getting extremely sophomoric and calling him “Poobaldo” will work quite nicely.

Podsednik, Scott – During the height of his fame following the 2005 White Sox World Series Championship, he married former Playboy playmate Lisa Dergen. Explain how, now that his skills have diminished to the point where he’s been relegated to a backup role, it might be best to start divvying up your assets already.

Quintanilla, Omar – An attendee of the University of Texas, Austin, other notable graduates include both Laura and Jed Bush. As such, blame him for the nation’s economic struggles, preferably in the form of an acoustic protest song.

Redman, Mark – For one year, way back in 1992, he attended The Master’s College, a conservative Christian liberal arts college in Santa Clarita, California. Mock his presumably horrible taste in anything “artistic”. Start with The Da Vinci Code.

Taveras, Willy – A speedster who has no power in his bat, tell him that you’re known for those two identical attributes in the bedroom. That way, you win over the crowd by being self-deprecating and you get a slight jab in attacking Taveras’ masculinity. Win-win!

Torrealba, Yorvit – The source of his odd first name comes from his parents being unable to decide between Yorman and Victor so they just combined the two. Suggest that it’s a good thing they chose to substitute Victor in for their previous top two selection, Jamal, or else there’s a good chance he would be named Manjam. Hint that this second combination might actually be more appropriate.

Tulowitzki, Troy – Let him know that it’s a shame he didn’t win the Rookie of the Year award last year, which he deserved, because, looking at how things are shaping up this year, it’s looking like that was the last chance to add anything to his trophy mantel.

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