Houston Astros

Ausmus, Brad - The man behind the plate was not only inducted into the National Jewish Hall of Fame in 2004, but was also given the Darryl Kile Award for "integrity and courage" last year. Since we always recommend keeping it relatively classy -- no Holocaust or heart attack references here, since both are lies perpetrated by the vast underground network of Jewish doctors! -- our advice is to focus more on his low draft position in any fantasy league, since he's such a horrible, horrible batter. In fact, your niece is more capable with a bat. And she's a girl. Oh, that's good. Tell him that.

Backe, Brandon - A Tommy John surgery survivor, it's best to remind Backe that, one of these days, someone is bound to have complications following the procedure, like, say, their arm falling off mid-pitch. Hammer the point home by wondering aloud if Brandon felt that slight pull in his muscle while throwing that last pitch. Perhaps the next throw is the one that finally finishes the job ...

Berkman, Lance - Berkman has stated numerous times that he dislikes his "Fat Elvis" nickname, meaning you must obviously dress up in a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich and have your lawyer serve Berkman with a restraining order because you're scared he's going to eat you. If you want to take another route, and are a heterosexual female or homosexual male, tell Lance you'd be more than happy to date him, if only you didn't have that pesky "no fatties allowed" rule.

Bourn, Michael - A shouted pun about you wishing he was "never being born" is a nice family-friendly taunt. But steer clear from thinking that the laughter it elicits gives you the go ahead to start your diatribe about the societal benefits of abortion. You'll get beat up.

Hernandez, Runelvys - On the off chance he gets a spot in the rotation, spend some time learning how to shout his name without pronouncing the accent over the "a" in his last name. Yeah. That'll get 'em!

Lee, Carlos - Did you know that his nickname "El Caballo" actually means "Elevated Horse Cock" in Spanish? Well, just assume it does and go from there. In order to get your sure-to-be-hilarious visual aids into the ballpark, disguise them as innocent inflatable bats. Bonus tip: A windbreaker and a few bags of popcorn can easily pass for a scrotum. Just ask your aunt, who is presumably a whore.

Matsui, Kaz - Let's be honest: All Asians look alike. Usually this is more of an annoyance -- since you're never sure which co-worker you've already borrowed Soy Sauce from -- but in this case, it's a boon. By default, Matsui looks exactly like Indians pitching prospect Kazuhito Tadano, who's been filmed pitching more than just baseballs, if you catch my drift. (Note: My drift is his penis.) That they share the same first name -- or is it last? -- is the cherry on top of the mildly-homoerotic sundae of insults you're sure to come up with.

Oswalt, Roy - Let's just stick a "Bl" in front of his last name and call it a day.

Pence, Hunter - Most people mistakenly assume Pence earned his nickname "The Natural" because of his extraordinarily success last year as a rookie. In fact, it's because he remains uncircumcised. Take an opportunity to remind him of the "anteater" taunts he presumably received in high school. Make sure to get it in quick though, before he can retort by discussing the heightened sensation he feels by not having mangled genitals like yourself.

Rodriguez, Wandy - Did you know "Wandy" is a nickname he got because of his activity with W.A.N.D., the Woman's Action for New Directions, whose mission statement is to "empower women to act politically to reduce violence and militarism"? Yeah. He's a pussy.

Tejada, Miguel - Miggy has a little something on his professional resume known throughout judicial circles as a "steroid allegation". And, as grandpa always said, you can't spell "allegation" without the word "legit". It's why grandpa steered clear of Richard Gere movies. Gerbils scared him.

Valverde, Jose - Historically, Valverde comes out into the 9th inning to the song "Big Poppa" by the Notorious B.I.G., but without the lyrics as to not offend the youngsters present. The lack of audible words gives you the opportunity to claim you know who capped Biggie: Tupac Shakur, recently risen from the dead. That'll get his head out of the game.

Wigginton, Ty - According to his Wikipedia entry, Wigginton "is decent at first but has struggled in very limited playing time in the outfield". Remind him of the constant disappointment he must be to his male ancestors, who greatly respected outfielders but looked down upon the incessant laziness of those manning the first base. Illustrate this point with a poster-sized Wigginton family tree, complete with "frowny" faces wherever you see fit.

Williams, Woody - You're going to want to obviously attack the "Woody" aspect, but which do you choose? How it's synonymous with "male erection"? How it's ... ah, fuck it. Anything with "boners" in it will do just fine. Just ask your other aunt, who is also presumably a whore.