Thursday, May 15, 2008

Minnesota Twins

Baker, Scott – Hold a sign with the date August 31st, 2007 on it, the date when Baker took a perfect game into the 9th inning, but walked the first batter he faced to end the perfect game and then gave up a hit to spoil the no-hitter. It will be a reminder to how close to perfection Baker got, and how he’s never going to get any closer.

Blackburn, Nick – From the town of Ada, Oklahoma (population 16,008), imply that the reason Jeff Reed, the town’s founder, named the place after his oldest daughter in 1891 was because he was, in fact, boinking her. This obviously started a tradition of incest that, from where you’re sitting, it looks like the town still maintains.

Bonser, Boof – Comment that you were unsure if you should laugh or cry when you heard that Bonser got his “Boof!” nickname because that’s the sound he makes whenever he sits up, since he's enormous and all. However, let him know that you decided to laugh after all, because you can’t not laugh at fat people.

Casilla, Alexi – One of the fastest players in the majors, comment that the speed really doesn’t help much if he can’t fucking get on base! If security tries to pull you away, alert them that you have Casilla on your fantasy team, which they'll be able to relate to.

Cuddyer, Michael – During the many off hours in the baseball locker room, Cuddyer performs magic acts for his teammates. Thank him loudly for showing you that amazing “hide the salami” trick of his.

Everett, Adam – According to Wikipedia, Everett is often mistaken for actor DJ Qualls, best known for having sex with that enormous black lady in Road Trip. Make the same mistake.

Gómez, Carlos – Nicknamed “Go-Go” because of his blazing speed, let him in on the dirty secret that he’s actually named so due to his feminine moves in the discotheque.

Harris, Brendan – From the College of William and Mary, infer from Harris’ throwing motion that Mary must have taught the baseball program.

Hernández, Liván – The half-brother of Orlando Hernández, observe that it looks like El Duque got all the “stud” genes while Liván got all the fat ones.

Kubel, Jason – For a particularly appetizing heckle, substitute the “K” and “b” in his last name for a “Str” and “d”. That should make his mouth water, which in turn will make him question his sanity, seeing as he just got hungry thinking about a large Austrian pastry shaped like himself.

Lamb, Mike – Nicknamed “Lambo”, a play on the Sylvester Stallone character who just won’t die, suggest that it might be more appropriate to place an “e” after the “m”. Follow this up by making an L-7 symbol with your thumbs and forefingers.

Liriano, Francisco – His wife’s name is Johanna, which is strange seeing as many people consider him the Second Coming of Johan Santana. Stick a cigar in your mouth and psychoanalyze that one.

Mauer, Joe – Tell him that while you think it’s great Mauer is signed long enough to see the team’s new outdoor natural grass stadium open in 2010, it’s going to be weird seeing him throw out the first pitch in a wheelchair, the only possibly outcome after catching so many games on that horrible Metrodome astroturf.

Monroe, Craig – Seeing as his mom is strangely named Marilyn, comment on how much “usage” you got out of the December 1953 issue of Playboy.

Morneau, Justin – From Canada, let Justin know that while you’re sure his family is excited he’s a major league baseball player, they’d be much prouder if he was a hockey player.

Nathan, Joe – One of the best closers in baseball, comment that it’s strange the team would trade away Johan Santana yet sign Nathan to a long-term deal. Follow that by commenting that it’s even stranger that a player of Nathan’s caliber would sign a deal with a team that clearly won’t win until sometime after 2015.

Neshek, Pat – One of the new breed of blogger-players – where he posted this amazing video of him getting hit in the jaw with a ball while pitching in college – dress up like Nick Denton and make fun of his amateurish web hits and click-throughs.

Perkins, Glen – Finally, the perfect reason to perform your all-haiku interpretation of the hit Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda! Don’t waste this opportunity.

Punto, Nick – In 2007, he posted the lowest slugging percentage of any major league player with at least 200 at-bats. This makes him officially the most worthy recipient of the “pussy” heckle in all of baseball.

Redmond, Mike – Comment that it’s too bad Joe Mauer is on the roster, seeing as Redmond has the skills to be a starting catcher in the majors. It’s a good thing Redmond doesn’t have a bone of selfishness – or self-worth – in his body.

Rincón, Juan – Suspended in 2005 after testing positive for illegal performance-enhancing drugs, suggest that, if he really needed help that much, he should have just asked his doctor about Viagra.

Slowey, Kevin – Spread the rumor that his last name is actually a nickname he received in high school because of his hilarious learning disability.

Young, Delmon – Dressing up like an umpire carrying a custom-made “bat shield” should suffice.

5 comments:

Kevin said...

wow, not a single one of these are even remotely funny. i guess i won't have to worry about you stealing paula poundstone's day job.

steve said...

i cannot BELIEVE that deadspin links to this.

Ugggh said...

Wait until Rick Paulas gets back from vacation and finds out that some hack is posting this humorless drivel on his own blog.

Michael said...

What's the deal with Ovaltine? The jar's round. The mug's round. They should call it Roundtine!

/funnier than your drivel

peterbanowen said...

These writings transport me to a wondrous time of rainbow colored kittens atop plaid painted unicorns. You can know this: Rick Paulas is a jolly swine who can't keep his hands out of the tart basket!