Billingsley, Chad - From Defiance, Ohio -- the setting of The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, the true story of how a housewife fed her family by winning a bunch of jingle-writing contest entries -- compose and deliver your own jingles, except these will all advertise one thing: Billingsley's ineffectiveness. As usual, please make all entries 25 words or less.
Broxton, Jonathan - If you take the first 4 letters out of his last name, you'll get his actual playing weight. Go from there.
Ethier, Andre - While he twiddles his thumbs in the dugout, list the many reasons why Juan Pierre deserves the starting spot over Ethier. After an hour of silence, admit you can't think of a single one, but he should take solace in the fact that he makes a shitload less money than Pierre. Wait a minute ...
Furcal, Rafael - In 2006, Furcal was selected as the first-ever winner of the Roy Campanella Award, an award given to the Dodger who best exemplifies the "spirit and leadership" of the late Hall of Fame catcher. Opine that perhaps voters got confused and thought they were voting for the player "most likely to get paralyzed in an automobile accident", just like Campanella. After all, Furcal already has two DUIs on his motorist resume.
Garciaparra, Nomar - Along with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, Nomar was part of the famed "Holy Trinity" of shortstops in the mid-90s. While the trinity is dead now that both A-Rod and Nomar have changed positions, you should relate to Nomar that all three of them are still great players. Well, two of the three are at least. Nomar kinda sucks.
Jones, Andruw - Admit that, while you're no business expert, it seems that having the worst statistical season of your career in the final year of your contract is not a smart business move. However, let Jones know he can make up for it by buying some stock in America Online. It's going to turn around any day now.
Kemp, Matt - Nicknamed "The Bison" because of his enormous size and swift mobility, take the time to remind Kemp of another characteristic of the American Bison: a whole lot of them exhibit homosexual behavior. Honestly.
Kent, Jeff - Known for being full of hate, suggest the mustachoed 2nd basemen work out his aggression the old fashioned way: thrice-daily bouts of frenetic masturbation.
Kuroda, Hiroki - A new recruit from Japan, make Kuroda feel welcome by listing historic examples of Americans being kind to people of Japanese descent. Like, say, the internment camps of World War II.
Loaiza, Esteban - Add a "B-" prefix to the beginning of his last name, and reveal to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at the top of your lungs.
Loney, James - Once again, add a "B-" prefix to the beginning of his last name, and reveal to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at the top of your lungs. In this case however, preceed your revelation by drinking seven beers.
Lowe, Derek - Hazard a guess at a few of the pickup lines Lowe used on "Dodger Dugout" anchor Carolyn Hughes before the two started an illicit sordid love affair that left two divorces in its wake. One line for free: "I wouldn't mind spitting salty seeds into your dugout."
Martin, Russell - His midde name -- well, one of his middle names, seeing as his full name is Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin, Jr. -- is an homage to the great saxophonist and avant-guard jazz revolutionary John Coltrane. Celebrate his legacy by bringing a saxophone to the game, and blowing into it as loud as you can when Martin is just about to swing. After he strikes out and looks to see where the annoyance is coming from, close your eyes, nod your head and snap your fingers, giving those around you the impression that you understand the true rhythm of the world.
Penny, Brad - Comment, as loudly as you can, that you're shocked, utterly and completely shocked (!) that Penny has been romantically connected with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku. And now that you're seeing him in person, the story makes even less sense.
Pierre, Juan - Relate to the speedy outfielder your amazement at the fact that Pierre is consistently one of the hardest batters to strike out in all of baseball. Since, typically speaking, someone who doesn't strike out usually isn't as shitty as Pierre.
Saito, Takashi - The closer attended the same high school and college as Mariners reliever Kazuhiro Sasaki, presumably making them contentious rivals. Learning the phrase "You are not even man enough to hold Sasaki's jock strap, which is much larger than your jock strap, because his reproduction organs are also much larger than yours" in Japanese should suffice.
Schmidt, Jason - Make a sign proclaiming your section as the home of the "Jason Schmidt Fan Club". To more fully show your Dodger devotion, write out the pitcher's last name in alternating team colors; Dodger Blue for the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th letter, and white for the others. While you're at it, make sure the posterboard you use is also white.