Thursday, February 14, 2008

Toronto Blue Jays

Burnett, A.J. – Inquire about the many tattoos that Burnett has, and then when he begins to launch into a detailed story about how this-or-that tattoo holds a deep significance to him because of blah-blah-blah, loudly proclaim "Wow, you are not interesting at all" and walk away.

Eckstein, David - Known as a "hard-nosed player", Eckstein's nose isn't the only thing hard about him, ladies. His elbows are also hard. As are his knees. If you can possibly think of another part of the male anatomy that would also be comical if it were hard, go ahead and scream out a heckle with that.

Halladay, Roy –During midseason surgery last year, Halladay had his appendix removed and left for dead. Dress up as his appendix and spend the entire evening asking how he could have abandoned you. Feel free to come up with a clever back story about growing up in an orphanage, running away to the San Fernando Valley, and eventually having to make ends meet by starring in homoerotic films like Appendicks!

Hill, Aaron - His appearances at second base, shortstop, third base, and designated hitter during his short career mean one thing: Hill can't make up his mind. Use this OCD-esque tick to make him second-guess every decision he's made that day, from trying to make that double-play, to having orange juice with his toast, to his recent marriage. That last one should rattle him for a few innings.

Johnson, Reed – Consistently among the leaders in being hit by pitches, Johnson thinks it’s just because he crowds the plate. It’s not. It’s because the opposing pitchers hate him. As does his mother.

Litsch, Jesse – Seeing as he constantly has to deal with looking as dorky as he does in his official MLB profile photo, it might be best to leave poor Jesse alone. In fact, it might be a good idea to let the rest of your section know how strongly you feel about this by handing out color copies of his mug, detailing exactly what makes him look so Opie-esque.

Marcum, Shaun – Oddly enough, if you split his last name in two, the second half is synonymous with ejaculate. Use that information how you see fit.

McGowan, Dustin – While not technically related to actress Rose McGowan, you should remind him that, most likely, all McGowans were, at some point or another, related to each other. At least, that’s what you told Rose, who agreed never to have sex with him now after hearing the news.

Overbay, Lyle – Fake an ear issue that, for some reason or another, always makes it sound like the P.A. announcer is calling up to bat some first baseman named Lyle Overgay.

Rios, Alex - According to some kind of fielding statistic, Alex Rios had the lowest "range" out of all the right fielders in the league. While it would take too much research to figure out exactly what this stat means, as long as you somehow incorporate it into a crack about the weight of his maternal parent, you'll be fine.

Rolen, Scott - Any heckle should work if you speak it from behind your Larry Bowa and Tony LaRussa masks.

Ryan, B.J. – Stay away from the obvious immature route and just address him by his middle name: Oral-Copulation.

Thomas, Frank - A college teammate of promotional superstar Bo Jackson, Thomas should be overjoyed when you tell him you have a message from Jackson regarding another subject Bo has knowledge of. Thomas should lose his mirth when he learns the message is that Thomas sucks.

Wells, Vernon – At the top of your lungs, and within earshot of Wells, sing "Happy Birthday" to Reed Johnson, completely ignoring the fact that Vernon shares the same birthdate. If Wells asks why you're snubbing him, reply by feigning that you didn’t see him there, under that enormous pile of money he stole from the team last year, after signing that huge contract and not producing at all.

Zaun, Gregg – It might be tricky, but when addressing Zaun, make sure to not pronounce the last "g" in his first name.

3 comments:

Torgen said...

Shaun Marcum is an anagram of Ram Anus Much. 99% sure he won't understand why you're asking him that.

Rick said...

@torgen:

Forget my heckle. This one is so much better, in every way.

S.O.L. said...

Overgay? Really? How about the fact that he looks like a retard?

http://assets.espn.go.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/65x90/6639.jpg